“You can twist perception. Reality won’t budge.”
- Rush – “Show, Don’t Tell”
Show me a man doing what he’s told, and I’ll show you a woman who used either sex, or guilt and shame to accomplish it.
Men, especially men here in 2020, millions of them, are in relationships or marriages where the woman calls the shots.
And the way the women call the shots? It’s the way they always do, utilizing emotional manipulation and withholding sex to achieve their goals.
Men are still, after all is said and done, responsible for their actions, however, they need to be aware that women (a majority) are doing this not because they are some sick, twisted soul, but because they can navigate emotion with great skill and do all of this unknowingly.
Women, regardless of where they are in your life, do this almost daily. We call them “shit tests” here in the manosphere, but we also must realize that this isn’t something that women can control.
While we want to rail against women who purposefully do this (they are called psychopaths or borderline personality disorders), a majority of women do this simply to make sure their man is up to the task.
This also goes for mothers and their sons, sisters to their brothers, aunts, nieces, etc.
Women test men daily, hundreds of times daily at times, to make sure he is who he says he is, believes what he believes, and holds his boundaries and beliefs unflinchingly.
But what we are seeing is what I was under for 10 years of my marriage.
Women can use guilt and shame to attempt to influence a man’s actions.
He must not let that happen.
As I stated, I was in this trance for most of my life.
It wasn’t that these women who were in my life were manipulative.
They weren’t. I’m sure they wanted what was best for me.
But what was best for me in THEIR mind was different from what was best for me in mine.
My mother and sister, as well as my wife, tended to push me in directions that I didn’t know I didn’t want to go because I didn’t know any better.
As a man, I had no direction, so these women were trying to
My mother has been through a lot in her life.
She is a champion and is a fantastic mother.
She’s endured child abuse as a kid and survived cancer.
She helped my father raise three kids that weren’t hers as well as 2 that were.
She was a successful financial accountant for a giant corporation for 30 years.
And she is my rock when I needed support.
And she continues to be there for me.
But it wasn’t always on my terms. For a time, it was on hers.
She over-compensated with my child rearing, because of how bad her childhood was, she swore that her kids would have a better life. And we sure did, my parents were and are still very loving and supportive. But with the over-compensation, I was over-protected and relied on my mother for a ton of decisions that I needed to make myself. And that over-reliance on the women in my life spilled over into my sisters and my wife (now ex-wife). I didn’t want to take responsibility for my life, so I decided to let the women of my life drive while I fucked around.
Important decisions about my life were given to the women of my life. And as soon as I let go of the wheel, I was going to places I thought I wanted to go, and looking back now after taking back control of my life 4 years ago, I should’ve taken control sooner.
But many men never wake up, letting their wives / mothers / daughters / sisters take the wheel and drive their lives. And it’s not as if they aren’t good drivers, but men nowadays are more concerned with the “clock in, clock out” world than they are with actually making their lives all that they can, with women as their willing accomplices. But here’s where the break happens…..
News flash: WOMEN DON’T WANT TO BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE.
I highly doubt my mother, or my sisters, or my now ex-wife wanted to tell me what to do with my life. I was so eager to avoid conflict, take the easy way, not fight for what I believe in, that their advice became a crutch for me to excuse making tough decisions in lew of the path of least resistance.
In short, I didn’t want to live the tougher parts of life. So I conceded that control to women who I felt had my best interests at heart. And in their own way, they did, except their goals and dreams for me never lined up with what I REALLY wanted, hence when the rubble of my marriage and my life was still smoldering, the conflict with the other women of my life came full circle. My life goals were now, after 10 years of marriage and 30 years of female control, diametrically opposed to that of the women in my life.
When you give someone overreaching control of your life, don’t expect to have an easy time getting it back.
It’s not that they want control, it’s the absence of control that you exert that forces women to take the wheel. Like an abandoned ship with no crew, she has to take control or she’ll be dragged down with the wreck.
I don’t blame my mother for any of this. She had a childhood where she was basically abandoned by her father and her mother neglected her. So she had to steer the ship. She had to control her world, and it took her childhood away from her. She didn’t get to be a kid, she’s been an adult her whole life and it didn’t give her a chance to rest and recharge. She didn’t deserve it, which is why when I took back control of my life, my goal was to tell her to put down the hard stuff and let me take it. And the process of that will take time. She needs to be able to relax, and me taking control of my life, though disappointing at first to her, gave her some relief that she didn’t have to take the wheel anymore.
And it gave me relief because I now have control.
The Only Way to Win is Not To Play
So you’re being guilt and shamed by a woman in your life? The best way to overcome and pass this “shit test” is the only way. Don’t play.
Any attempt to guilt and shame you is an attempt to change your mind using manipulation of a certain set of circumstances.
“If you don’t do this for me, I’ll XXXX.”
If someone is giving ultimatums to you, you walk. Ultimatums are a cry for help because these people have lost control of you. You have free will, which is usually a bad thing for a person who’s trying to control your actions with their guilt and shame.
As I say with many confrontations, you don’t avoid them, you turn them down.
Not getting guilt and shamed by someone so desperately trying to is the answer. Walking away from a losing game is not avoiding confrontation as much as it is not wasting your breath on such a confrontation.
You have better things to do, and trying to confront someone who has no interest in changing their behavior wastes your time.
You do you. Let them worry about themselves.
When you finally take control of your life, there will be MANY people who won’t like the direction. My response has always been “if you love me, you’ll support my decisions.”
And most importantly, you can’t be afraid to cut people out of your life, at least temporarily, but worst case, for a long time. Charting your own course, by your own rules, is the healthy option. Unless you are doing unhealthy things like drugs, crime, etc, you have every right to do what you want with your life. But many people see you doing that and it takes away their power over you, and the benefits of that power doing good things for them.
Don’t be afraid to walk and never look back.
Sometimes burning bridges is a good thing.
So back to me. My family life is improving. The women in my life may disagree with my path, opinions, or convictions, but they understand that as a man, I have every right to chart my path.
But with me wrestling back control, I have seen the women on my life, mother, sisters, and ex-wife, understand and accept my chosen path, and now, even support me no matter what.
That’s why I love this new me so much. I have put my flag in the sand and now people can either rally or leave. And the women in my life haven’t left, they’ve only become better allies in my conquest of my world and myself.
And for that, I can’t thank them enough.
I love you, Mom, Debbie, and Shanny. And yes, Jill, even if we’re divorced, I still love you. You ladies have helped me to understand what I really need and are there to support me.
I promise, you won’t be disappointed by the finished Tim.
He’s got this.