Lessons From A Failed Marriage

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“The lesson divorce teaches you isn’t to not get married, it’s to not get divorced.”

The lessons. So many, too many to count. But I’ve managed to boil it down to 20 lessons.

I’m still learning, every day.

But I’ve honed these lessons to make sure that when I get married again, it won’t end in divorce.

Because, as bad as divorce is, it’s worse the second time.

My experiences are lessons that I can share with those willing to understand their own fallacies as well as understanding that they control who they marry, who they sleep with, and who they allow in their lives.

You control it. You have the keys. The system is unfair. It won’t be changing anytime soon, but you still have control. Stop listening to those that tell you that you don’t. Because they didn’t and don’t have control either.

I’m not a relationship expert, I’m a “what not to do in a relationship” expert.

So, without further ado, here’s my list. Enjoy and learn from my mistakes:

Lesson 1 – If You Don’t Know Who You Are and Love Yourself as Such, You Cannot Marry Someone Else Without Encountering Major Issues

I didn’t know who I was. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. And it showed in the marriage. The baseline, foundational things that you need to be in order to love someone else must be there. Your convictions, beliefs, purpose, and boundaries must be there in order for you to make good on your promise to love, honor, and cherish.

How can you marry someone when you don’t know who the hell you are? If it’s checking a box, it’s wrong. Marriage is for good and you better damn well know who you are, your likes and dislikes before you walk down the aisle. And if she can’t respect any of it, she doesn’t get to be your wife.

Lesson 2 – Stop Escalating and Start Connecting

In the heat of an argument, the best thing you can do is stop letting emotion dictate your response. Her emotion is boiling over and she needs to know you’re there to stop it from completely spilling. She wants to vent, not argue, many times over, because women are emotional creatures. She needs to feel you there for her, your strength, your control over yourself and the situation. Sometimes, she just needs to let emotion take over. Nothing may necessarily be wrong, and if it feels like she’s picking on you, sack up and understand that this is something she does to make sure you are there for her.

She values you as her husband and values that you take the time to connect with her, listen instead of dictate, as well as understanding her and what she’s going through.

Lesson 3 – She Won’t Love You Unconditionally, But She Will Love You

The biggest issue that men have to deal with is that they won’t get love the way they want from a woman. She will not love unconditionally, but neither will you for her. It doesn’t work that way, especially for a man and a woman, as conditions do dictate love. So provide conditions that you are happy with. Men have to provide, it’s what we have to do. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can have it your way. But she will love you, but you have to give her something to love and adore. You are the key to all of it, be it your own self love and what you’ve built in pursuit of that love, for her to truly love you for who you are and what you stand for.

Lesson 4 – Vet and Vet Often. You Can’t Prepare for Every Eventuality, But You Can Have A Damn Good Idea of Who You’re Marrying

Take as much time as you need. The honeymoon phase in a relationship over, time to start vetting her. Put her in as many situations as you can to see how she handles herself. That will tell you all you need to know about her. You can’t prepare for everything, but you can have her in enough situations to see how she’ll do when the real deal is upon you. This is good, bad and neutral situations. Get experience with her, gain knowledge about her faults, bad habits, and general demeanor. If she greets you with an ultimatum, walk.

Lesson 5 – Neither Person Gets to Dictate Terms

Terms are agreed upon and negotiated.

Both parties understand what they bring and they bring it.

You want contractual obligation? The State wants marriage in those terms, but you aren’t the State, nor are you a monolithic organism. You’re a human being and so is she. If either side starts dictating, the other side needs to walk. There has to be compromise and agreement on principles in the relationship. Know your roles and be comfortable playing them because it’s who you are. Be prepared for quick negotiations or unforeseen disagreements that must be hashed out. But do it together, and in ways that both of you are comfortable with all that each of you are doing.

Lesson 6 – Communicate. You Can’t Read Minds and Your Partner Can’t Either

Talk early and often and your marriage will be solid as a rock. Get to know each other by talking to each other, early and often, over anything and everything. Know where each other stands on things that confront the marriage and overcome them. Communicate how your partner made you feel, good or bad, and face those issues head on, together. You don’t get to not engage, especially when it may be important to her. If it was important to you and she walked off, you’d be pissed.

Lesson 7 – Sex is Critical

No sex is a deathknell for any relationship. If you’re not having sex in your relationship, it’s dead and needs to be revitalized. No sex is a critical problem that many marriages cannot overcome. Because without sex, she’s just a roommate who helps you with the bills. Your intimacy is of the utmost importance in your marriage. Take it from a guy who didn’t have much sex in the dying days of his marriage, you need to be having sex, but also, having fun with your partner. Try new things in the bedroom, be adventurous, and be aggressive towards each other in the bedroom. You both love each other, so show it, dammit.

Lesson 8 – Better People Make Better Marriages

The bitter truth that most people don’t want to hear is that when you and your spouse are striving to be better, it improves your marriage significantly. Because you are a better, healthier person, you can have a good, strong, solid marriage when you and your partner have boundaries, share in triumphs, regroup after setbacks, and have each other’s backs. The proof is in the pudding, for take a sputtering marriage and add two people trying to get better either physically, mentally, spiritually or all three, and see the infusion of that energy revitalize that marriage. I’ve seen it happen so many times with men who weren’t motivated in marriage suddenly turn things around to the point where everyone associated with the marriage is re-energized. Kids, wife, everything starts to level up as the man rebuilds himself.

Lesson 9 – It’s Okay to Be Wrong. Own It, Fix It, and Move On

Yes. It’s okay to be wrong. But you have to do the one thing you don’t want to do. Swallow your pride and own the fuck up. You aren’t infallible, and neither is she. But you are capable of being an adult, and that means taking the heat when you screw up. The heat is the easy part, because you then have to fix your fuckup to ensure it doesn’t happen again. Because you’re a functioning part of this marriage, your humility will be mirrored by her, because when she sees you screwed up, when she does it, she’ll want to show that she’s human too. If she doesn’t, you still take the L and move on. Because you are the lead in this relationship, you will hold yourself to a higher standard. And with that higher standard comes her having to raise her standard as well. You set the tone, regardless of what you do, be it right or wrong. Learn from it and move the fuck on.

We get wrapped up in the State and why they get involved in the institute of marriage. If you don’t want the State involved, you can most certainly choose other options. But as of right now, this moment in time, and for the foreseeable future, your local government is involved. That means that in the eyes of the State, you are in a contractual agreement with your spouse. And depending on the state that the marriage occurs, you may or may not be able to draft a prenuptial agreement. All the more reason for the man to know who the heck he is marrying and the woman to take her time to make sure that this is the real deal. But never, ever does the State get to be involved in the spiritual aspect of your marriage. If you are religious, the church has that on lockdown, and so make sure you aren’t losing the real reasons for marriage in a myriad of tax implications. The state only matters when you get married or when you get divorced. Kick those fuckers out of the bond.

Lesson 11 – Do Things, but Do Them With Meaning and Purpose – Enjoy Each Other on Purpose

The issues I had with our marriage was that my wife was always goading me to do “something” instead of what I was doing, which most of the time was playing video games or watching TV. She wanted me to go experience life with her, and that isn’t an inconvenience. It’s a necessity. Enjoy your spouse by enjoying your life with her. Cherish the things you do (active or passive things) and share that with her, as well as her with you. Try new things with her, be adventurous, solve problems together. This will only strength the bond between both of you. Then, as you do these things, you become better together and start to enjoy more. The snowball gains momentum and gets bigger. Enjoy your marriage by doing things together that you love.

Lesson 12 – Be Her Biggest Cheerleader, and She’ll Be Your Biggest Fan

Support in marriage is one of the biggest deficiencies for men. They are looking for loyalty and a support system, but you have to do the same. She needs to know you’re there for her to support what she wants to do as well. Keep cheering her on what she wants to do, and you will see a woman ready to support her man with anything he’s doing as well. But you gotta show up in her corner, every time.

Lessons 13 – When Your Values Align, You Both Win

When vetting for a woman, pay close attention to her values. If they are radically different from yours, you will have an issue that will be a killer for the marriage. You have to have a partner that is paddling the same way you are, because if you don’t, the boat spins. And you want to move forward and beyond, not stay stagnant. So watch how she conducts herself. Does she hate kids? Then why try to make her a mom?

Does she have liberal values? Then why marry her if you’re a staunch conservative. Does she have issues with her family? Then why try to bring her into yours if she can’t have a healthy attachments to her own kin (save for extraordinary circumstances). You wouldn’t buy a dog person a bunch of cats so stop trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

Lesson 14 – Your Kids are Neither Conspirators Nor Accessories to Either Parent

They’re kids, and they function best in peaceful settings. Your kids are the souls you are raising. Stop trying to weaponize them against your spouse in the hopes of them proving your right or wrong. It’s not fair to them for you to put them squarely in an adult situation when they are anything but adults. You are acting like a child if you are using kids to exert power over your spouse. These aren’t chess pieces, they’re your flesh and blood and they need parents who are adults.

Lesson 15 – She Doesn’t Owe You Anything, Nor Do You Owe Her

The concept of entitlement should not exist in marriage, especially not one way and not the other. No one owes anyone anything when it comes to marriage, but you both owe it to each other to be present and engaged in the marriage. She doesn’t owe you sex because she’s your wife, and you don’t owe her money to pay off her loans because you’re her husband. You both are giving because you are both getting reciprocated by being this way. Stop hanging expectations on someone with no intention of holding them up.

Lesson 16 – Alone Time is Important; Never Underestimate the Importance of Spending Time Away From Each Other

You need your alone time. You need time to decompress and get yours. Refilling your energy meter is important to every person in your life, because you can pour from an empty cup. If your significant other is trying to monopolize your time, it’s because they don’t value your alone time. You have to be able to get away to get right sometimes, and they have to respect that. As a matter of fact, alone time is essential in a marriage because if you were around your spouse 100% of the time, you’d cease to exist as a person. You both were separate people before you got married, and you remain that way even after. Your alone time is golden to do the things you like to do to relax. And if your partner loves you, they’ll respect that time and take some of their own.

Lesson 17 – The Work Doesn’t Stop When The Honeymoon Ends

Never stop working to be a better person, regardless of marital status. You set the standard and you keep improving each week, each month, and each year. Bring it, and she’ll bring it as well. But you have to keep dating your spouse, you have to keep working to be a better person, and you both will revel in the rewards as you continue to grow as a couple and individually. There should be no let up for either of you after the wedding cake is eaten. Too many folks suffer from “get married and let it all go” syndrome. Don’t be that person. Cherish yourself and your significant other by getting after it every day.

Lesson 18 – You’re A Team, But You’re the Leader

Men lead, women follow. The traditional roles may be the new bad words of the 21st century, but it still holds true. You are the leader, you set the tone, and you protect the clan. You’d better be ready to lead, because she’s counting on you. Just as I have said men are the frame while women are the painting, it falls to you to be the foundation on this marriage. The strength and protection you provide is what she needs in order to do her thing and assist you in yours.

Lesson 19 – How You Handle The Hard Times Will Make The Good Times Better

Hard times make better marriages. How you both overcome obstacles says a lot about the health of your marriage. Blame, guilt, and shame have no place in a marriage, when you can replace them just as easily with strength, fortitude, and perseverance. See the tough times for what they are and work through them, never blaming each other for anything out of the other’s control. You can’t be resentful of someone because something happens to them or someone they love that isn’t in the cards. Even when you or your loved ones make critical mistakes, stop, listen, and connect then fix it. Seeing through these times will strengthen any marriage more than anything.

Lesson 20 – It’s Marriage, It’s Messy, It’s Difficult, But It’s Worth It

Marriage is work, but it’s also a teammate for life that supercharges your life. It’s nitrous in your engine, and when you have a committed and dedicated person to your cause, your goals get that much more attainable. But also, you get to share a life with someone you care about, someone whom cares about you, and together, you dominate and build an empire. That’s a “Ride Or Die” to me, and the most successful people in history have had a significant other who watches their back.

I don’t have to tell you that these lessons will work for everyone all the time, but through my trials and tribulations with my marriage and divorce, I can tell you that doing them will only help you and your spouse grow a stronger, more loving bond.
Be the man that she wants to follow. Be the woman that he wants to protect and nurture.

But do it together, and do it for each other.

I hope that I get married again someday. And following these lessons, I know my second marriage will be my last.

And there won’t be a second divorce.

The Almighty Notch

I was as bad as you can get with women.

Kissed the first girl at 18.

First date at 19.

Lost my virginity at 27.

My social awkwardness and ineptitude shown through every time.

At 22, I took a first date to dinner and then to my new home being built. That was my plan, and she silently seethed as I told her the layout and how I was so proud.

“Take me home, okay?”

Dated a bigger girl just to try and lose my virginity because my friends ragged on me. Got cold feet after taking her to a friends wedding and had another friend do the deed and take her home because I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with her.

Went out with a girl 4 times and we never even kissed, just did awkward things and chatted as friends over dinner until I invited myself to her house and ghosted her before I came over.

Embarrassing fails, then came my ten year marriage and the trials and tribulations with 4 of those years being nearly sexless (1-2 a year) and my continual struggle with women, as I saw it, was the cause.

During and after my separation and my divorce I stopped giving a damn. Broke, depressed and downtrodden, I let any girl with a passable face and a penchant for saying yes in my life, and these broken women made it even more miserable.

But hey, at least I was getting laid?

Then, I discovered the Red Pill, and Pick Up Artistry.

As I got better with, the women got hotter, but also more fucked up.

My definition of success was to “get good with women”. I had no other goals beyond that. I had no aspirations for a healthy relationship because I honestly thought that just be getting good with women, all the other things would take care of themselves. After all, it wasn’t me, it was the women I was meeting, right?

Tried to fake it at first. Faked my way right into the friend zone in LA. Then back to the dead zone for having the temerity of being a player with multiple leads.

But I was having a blast, and enjoying something that had eluded me for my whole life, the experience of dating multiple women.

So, consider it a checkmark on a box that I had set out with long ago.

But it’s not, and will not be for me, considered a success.

Because all it did was bring on more problems, bigger problems. The short term brought me more sex, more women, but in the end, it brought me no closer to a long term relationship. It merely told me that I could have as many short term flings as I wanted, but that I wasn’t going to be loved, nor would I love anyone, because love is weak. Love is for men who have feelings, who have emotions, and who are simps.

And for as much fun as I was having, this was the bottom line. You have to always be hard, emotionless, and use dread game to keep your woman in line, because “all women are like children”, and they need to be in the “presence of someone who can tell them what to do”. “They won’t ever love you the way you want”, nor will they give you the deep, meaningful love you seek.

As I’ve found, PUA and LTR are incompatible terms.

In PUA, you get what you wish for, but you also get dead ends that don’t lead to anywhere good, because it all boils down to playing the game in the shallow end, when really what you need to learn is to swim in the deep end, and then you get to jump off the diving board.

As part of my journey, I’m having to deprogram myself from PUA thinking and it’s been incredibly difficult. With every passing day, I still catch myself using pick up terms, lines of thinking, even trying to be mindful on how I’m communicating to women because many of the ones who I would be willing to have a LTR with are turned off by these statements.

“The NOTCH is the GOAL”

PUA thrives on escalation, quick and extensive, in order to get to the almighty notch.

And it doesn’t matter HOW or WHO you get it with, just that you get those numbers.

And this goes with everything, approaches, either cold or lukewarm, day game, everything, because the bottom line is hasn’t changed, it’s not about getting you comfortable with talking to women, it’s about getting you comfortable talking to women then sleeping with women.

Because it’s really all about the notch.

When you get the notch, you can brag to the community about it, because you’re doing hard things. And they pat you on the back and you go out and do it again and again. But notice when they get the notch, notice how it doesn’t fulfill anything but going out and getting another one.

The beautiful unicorn is the goal, but it isn’t having a relationship with her, it’s about landing her for even a brief moment (she’s not yours, it’s just your turn) and moving on to another one.

If you’ve read “The Game” by Neil Strauss, he got so good at picking up women that it became nothing fulfilling in his life. Only when he started to have feelings for women did he start to understand the consistent dead end of this lifestyle. And by that time, the damage was done. Many PUA’s have had horrible relationships, including Mystery, because they didn’t understand that simping doesn’t die simply because you said it does. They didn’t understand that self mastery and “fake it until you make it” don’t jive in real life. They became personas, never found the real “them” and tried to apply that to all parts of their lives, with horrible results. So now it’s “don’t catch feels” and everything is cool. And it’s led to an absolute mess of a dating scene.

Look, I get it, some guys want this lifestyle and die with a smile on their face after climax. But it isn’t realistic, nor is it sustainable. Which is why many of your gurus are happily married (or at least pretend to be) with one woman. If you can pull of haram game go for it, but a majority of guys just want a ride or die to support them, love them, and be there for them. We can argue all we want about monogamy being a broken concept, but the fact remains that a majority of this world still believes in it, and as a man who didn’t believe after his divorce, I am a believer too.

Quite simply, the long term love of one trumps the fleeting love of many. It’s shallow, empty, short lived and transparent. And it gets old. You’re the dude in the club at 55, with the pony tail, who fucked his way through the city in the early 00’s, and now you’re hoping for that magic to rub off. But all you’re getting are ladies from the retirement bus, because you never bothered to make a life for yourself, a real life, and lose all the other bullshit that worked for a while, but has since stopped. There’s only one Hugh Hefner, and you ain’t it, and even after that, man made it seem as if this was the life, the world that every man wanted, even as Hef bungled his way through different marriages and arrangements.

“But at least he was getting laid by beautiful women.”

Men consistently have trouble getting laid, and this was the deficiency that PUA was supposed to eradicate. But it took the feels from the game, and it took the reason for being and boiled it down to whether she spreads her legs for you on the first date, whether you’re getting that girl in accounting to go down on you after a meeting, or whether that girl you approached on the street is a “good girl” that you have no shot with. It’s a “Dear Penthouse” that men dearly want but can’t get. It tried to quantify EVERYTHING, so that you can just look at the numbers to see what women are doing, how they act, and how a majority of them believe in “monkey branching”. Hypergamy doesn’t care, until you realize that the majority of women who we blame for hypergamy were broken human beings in the first place, with either bad upbringings, domineering or no fathers, and have no interest in taking responsibility for any of it.

And if you dare to believe in monogamy, you’re labeled blue pill and you’re doomed.

However…..

I’ve seen, in person, many men who have good women in their lives, and I see what it can do for them.

With some PUA, dishonesty was a hallmark. “Don’t tell women anything you’re doing” was the go to. Then, it was “you spin multiple plates and tell them up front what you’re doing”, but brutal honesty only works in a progressive, dystopian dating market where everyone’s trying to fuck everyone else.

You may win in the meat market, but you lose in the life partner game.

And I want to win in that game. Because it’s what I want to do.

The Reality

Nothing punched me in the face more than when I was trying to get into a real relationship and the reality of my PUA programming came up.

Women looking for a relationship don’t want to hear that you’re fucking other women and they can just take that to the bank.

And why would they?

I consistently say to men that if they found out a woman they were dating was screwing other dudes, they would be a bit concerned. And yet, many modern women do just this, and get upset when men do it as well. But it’s not ideal whoever does it, and while it shows disastrous double standards in dating, it also shows how detached we all are over sex and healthy long term relationships, and how the lines have blurred for everyone.

But the reality….the reality is much better than what the gurus tell you or want you to believe.

The Notch you get from strange women is much worse that the sex you have in a relationship.

Why? Because in a deep, committed relationship, you and your significant other open up sexually, and sex can be anything you want.

But they don’t want you to know that. Why? Because hate and anger sell. It’s easier to blame others for your lot in life than to take responsibility for yourself.

But more, it’s easier to sell gimmicks to guys who don’t want to do the work.

If you read “The Game”, you saw that in Los Angeles, when hundreds of men tried to get some of that genie in the bottle that was released, women started catching on to the ruse. Men who had used old time favorite pickup stuff like “The Cube” were suddenly being outed by women they were trying to hit on.

IT GETS OLD.

It’s cliché, but it’s true. We see men dropping out of PUA and the old guard weeps not because guys are doing what’s best for them, but because they miss the old days when they were hitting up models and actresses in the streets of the cities they haunted. Guys understand there are useful things in both PUA and the red pill, but it’s not a place they need to stay at for long. Because time doesn’t stop in those worlds, and eventually it becomes old, boring, and less important that a man getting on with his life.

“Get good with women” is and was the only end game, and once you get there, you’re adrift again because you’ve hit the mark and now you have nowhere else to go. You see men who in their prime were the best PUA’s ever, now reduced to shells of men talking about the days of game like a 43 year old over the hill dude talks about his 4 TD passes in the high school state championship.

Men have to have forward motion, they can’t just rely on inertia or momentum, because it ensures they’ll be stuck forever. Some guys can pull it off. But most cannot.

And instead of giving them consistent tools for building and growing a good life, they give them tips and tricks to get to that next phase, and drop them off like a bus stop. And we wonder why many guys are bitter about what’s happened to them.

You have to think past the notch. The best notches come at the hands of a woman who loves, supports, and is there for you. Men, married men that I know, that have taken control of their lives and become patriarchs, are having the best sex in life. Because they have a trusted person whom they break bread with every day, and they have someone who believes in them and what they are doing.

They’re having hot sex after breakfast, instead of hoping the fat girl at the end of the bar at last call is drunk enough to go home with you.

They’re going on amazing trips and doing fun things with their families, instead of getting high at a friend’s house before going out to the club to see if you can pull some girl younger than 35 tonight.

They’re having children, instead of pulling out and hoping that next phone call isn’t the girl you had sex with saying she’s late.

They’re living their lives, moving on and growing in other directions instead of harkening back to the halcyon days of when they had a threesome while high on cocaine.

I choose the group who’s creating more in the present, instead of remembering the good times, and I won’t apologize for it. It’s my choice to move forward and be more than I could have ever imagined, and there are women, many women, out there that I don’t have to dazzle with a card trick or a palm reading to get them to look. I am the game, and many women are eager to play.

Get out of the past, get passed the notch, and get on with your life.

Or be doomed to stay in the same place, in the same world, in the same dull life, forever.

Walk

“Sometimes, the best thing you can do to those that don’t understand or accept you for who you’ve become, is walk the fuck away.”

-Me – about 7 month ago

The hard truth to being yourself, really being yourself, is the fact that at some point, you have to say goodbye to those who won’t accept the real you. It’s a fact of life, especially for a life lived with a full set of boundaries, convictions, and beliefs intact. There will be those that seek to change you for their own purposes, your job is to say “no”.

And many people can’t say it. The mere utterance of the word terrifies most, with social repercussions on tap, when dealing with family, friends, and relationships.

And these days, with cancellations abounding on social media, standing up for yourself is very dangerous, especially economically, because the backlash of the mob will leave even the most seasoned, principled person gasping for their social breath.

Apologies fly after boundaries are set and enforced, showing those that tried to broach those sacred lines that it was all an act, that they can guilt and shame their way into bullying you however they want, whenever they want, and you’ll buckle like a belt.

Gone are the days of standing your ground, even if alone, for fear of retribution, humiliation, financial ruin, and castigation.

Those that do it have nothing to lose, or if they do, they’ve already lost it. That spirit needs to come back and there’s a reason it’s having a hard time right now.

But even in this time of crumbling morals and inabilities to stand up for oneself, there is something to be said about any man that can walk away from anything that doesn’t serve his interest. It’s a lost art that has been negated by the on-line experience, when words really don’t matter, actions can’t be seen unless someone’s recording, and the faceless mob either supports you temporarily or summons the torches and pitchforks for something you said years ago.

People these days are too scared to walk for fear of loss. Which means that they either don’t think what they gain from leaving is worth it, or they’re scared to leave because of what they would lose. But the people I’ve known who’ve braved the dreaded walk and do it over and over again know instinctively that they ALWAYS gain from walking away, because anything toxic in their lives is not worth keeping.

And it’s that mindset that has served me well for many years.

“I Never Said NO”

I didn’t know how to walk. For much of my life, I had been a people pleaser of the highest order. I would be shamed and guilted by those that loved me most, only because they knew they could get away with it.

My mother and I joke about this at times because when she wanted something from me, she would just give me “the look” which was a sad face with puppy dog eyes. All she had to do for years was flash that face and I would melt, giving in to any demand she had, be it homework needing to be done, chores, helping her with something, or even some trivial thing, all she had to do was the face and I was done.

It didn’t help that she’s a damn fine negotiator anyway, so I was at a disadvantage already, but she had this magical way of getting her way, and it worked whenever she employed it.

It didn’t get any better as I grew up and I would seldom stand up for anything for fear of bringing disdain from my family and friends. I lied so much to my friends if I didn’t want to hang out because I didn’t want to tell them “no I didn’t feel like it”, because I believe “no” was a bad word. This wasn’t manifested anywhere but in my own brain, so I continued to bend like a pretzel every time I was trying to make everyone happy.

So, I never said no. I would either lie, delay, come up with excuses, or just do it. My father would watch me in an uncomfortable situation and call it “dancing”, because all I would do was try to avoid the main issues to avoid the confrontations. And it seriously affected much of my social life as well, even in to my early 20’s, I had not dated much, and when I had, I was a sheepish, clumsy, people pleaser, not worried about my own needs, but the needs of my date at the time. No wonder I was terrible with women.

It continued to come increasingly give me stress in my life when I got married. I had three women that I was trying to please. My wife, my younger sister, and my mother, and most of the time, they were all in alignment, and I did what they needed me to do. I thought I was being a good husband, brother, and son by doing whatever they wanted. It was only when all three of them became diametrically opposed that I started to have major issues in my life, culminating in several angry outbursts at work and several sessions with an anger management counselors.

Tough situations at work with customers, clients, vendors, bosses, and co-workers was met with angry outbursts, punching walls, and pent up frustration, all over avoiding conflict, confrontation, and resolution. And the avoidance, the “dancing” was killing me from the inside out…

The build up was so stressful, I had to take on a full time therapist to start parsing through all of the issues I was having.

And while it helped, the one thing that my therapist told me that stuck with me was a question he asked one morning…

“Have you ever said no?”

It was a question I had never been asked.

And I didn’t have an answer, because deep down, I knew the answer. That answer was…no, I had never said no.

And a light went on, albeit 20 years too late, but it came on, and the wheels started turning, finally, mercifully, towards finally resolving my anger issues in the short term, but setting off a bomb in the long term, a bomb that needed to be set, the bomb of me finally becoming aware of my boundaries, what I wanted in my life, and what it was going to take to find myself. And it wasn’t going to be easy.

“Something Happened, Something Clicked”

On that cold ass December morning when I got asked that question, I started to really search for why the answer was what it was. And I got very surprising answers. People weren’t taking advantage of me over my life for being a people pleaser on purpose, they were doing it because I was allowing them to do it. This revelation started a domino effect for my job, my friends, my family, and my wife. I started to question everything that was in my life and why it was there….and more importantly, whether it needed to be there. Every session with my therapist continued to reinforce the fact that I had been living a lie for much of my life. A life that was supposed to be mine was being used to please others with no end in sight.

I had to really question why the hell I was doing all this because none of it was benefiting me. Which is when I made the fateful decision to file for divorce from my then wife. I wasn’t living MY life, I was living another dude’s life, and none of this was what I wanted, none of it.

The decision to divorce was the first decision I had made as ME. It was the first decision I had made as a man in control of his own life. And it was my first “NO” in my life to those that would want the opposite.

I took a ton of heat from friends and family from my decision. But there I was, standing up for myself, saying NO in the face of those who wanted different.

And my divorce was a sad event, it and the events leading up to it was the catalyst for who I have become today. Because I knew when I got divorced, on the other side was the person I truly was, and I knew that everyone in my world would come to accept my decision when they saw what it did for me.

For that one moment, because I chose to WALK away from something that wasn’t good for me, it empowered me to make more decisions for my own development. It taught me to not seek conflict, but not to be afraid of it. It showed me that the world wasn’t so bad when you stood alone for something you believed in, because you believe it’s right.

And, finally, after 40 years, “My Best Interest” became the guiding light of my life. There’s nothing selfish or wrong with pursuing your best interests because, as I’ve always said, you can’t pour from an empty cup, and pursued self interest, hobbies, convictions, purpose, and belief fills that bad boy up every damn day.

Now? I say no. A lot. And it’s not because I do it just to hear myself say it, although that was absent for the first 4 decades of my life, but it was because if it doesn’t align with what I am doing in my life, with the things that I want to accomplish, or takes away from my momentum, goals, and life choices, then it doesn’t get to be a part of it.

And that’s what Captain American says in my favorite quote. No matter what, believe what you believe, stand up for your convictions, and put what you feel is right ahead of all else. No wonder I love that damn quote so much, because it reminds me of me during my struggle to walk away from shit that doesn’t work for me.

No matter what, stand up for yourself, whether it be in politics, religion, social media, anything.

You stand for who you are, you stand for what you believe, you stand for your morals and convictions. And if they don’t like it, walk. You don’t have to tolerate anyone who won’t tolerate you.

We need a world that can grow a pair and use them to get shit done. Stop kowtowing to people just to please and avoid a conflict. You matter and your views are yours. Never forget that.

Consistency

For 24 years, I’ve driven the same way to work.

11 miles of the same telephone poles, the same asphalt, the same houses, and the same blades of grass.

Every year, the seasons change the colors, but the objects remain the same.

The wind swept fields, the rainy roads, the sunshine blessed treetops, all of it stands the test of time. I notice many of these things every day, during shorter days, longer nights, dark mornings and sun drenched afternoons, but they all stay the same.

The rainy days are just as grey as they were nearly a quarter of a century ago, when, at 22 years old, I decided to go and work for my dad after college. The job offers were many, all over the country, Chicago, Philly, Houston, but I decided to go home and work for the family business.

I could’ve done anything. I could’ve gone to Argentina to get my major in Spanish. I could’ve gone to a big city and rode out my 20’s in an exciting, albeit, broken world.

I could’ve, should’ve, would’ve, depending on who was asking. So why would a guy fresh out of college decide to work for the family business when he had a chance to make his mark on the world in other ways?

Because sometimes, it’s not about the glory and excitement of new avenues, it’s about the joy and satisfaction that comes from building something up and succeeding through long hours of toil.

As I traverse the multitude of left turns going to work, then the multitude of right turns coming home, it reminds me of the stability that I have had in my life.

It all stays the same, but it’s all wonderful to see for me everyday.

Boring? To you, maybe. To me, it’s the world I’ve helped build and it stands on my untiring effort everyday to chisel a world out of the world just for me.

Legacy is built one brick at a time, over time.

“Show Up”

We crave stability, but we don’t crave what it takes to create or sustain it.

Consistency.

One of my favorite speakers this past year at CME (The Conference of Masculine Excellence) in Las Vegas was Hotep Jesus, who’s number one quote in his presentation was “Show up.”

He specifically talked about being the man who just showed up and made things happen. And when you show up, things happen.

Showing up is the start of consistency and gets you there 100% of the time when you’re present.

Out of these years I’ve been working at my own business, I’ve been absent less than .1% of the time. And it’s because I love my job and know that there are people that count on me daily to “show up”.

Which is how I’ve had to approach my life, especially recently. While I was showing up at work, I wasn’t showing up in my life.

I would be there for everything at work, but in my life, especially when I was married, I wasn’t there for my wife at the time, my kids, or myself.

My fitness cratered and I ballooned to 308 lbs. My wife and I divorced. My kids and I were distant, and I wasn’t showing up, I was merely a ghost, a place holder pretending to be a father, husband and man.

I was practicing consistency at work, but I wasn’t bringing it to my personal life, and it showed.

So, on my 40th birthday, sitting alone at a bar, drunk, I had to make a decision.

Nothing was working out in my personal life, but my career was going well.

I was tired of seeing success in one area and no success in everything else, because I wasn’t SHOWING UP in those other areas. So, I decided, each year, to add these areas to my consistent effort and get my weaknesses handled. I took one – two areas each year, for the last 5 years. My first goal was getting my weight down and getting better with women.

So I got 80 lbs off and I got decent with girls. It was the start of an amazing transformation that is still taking place to this day, in my life.

I found a passion, helping men through my own experiences, so the next year I decided to get my blog going, as well as be on Twitter and IG as a man who was living his journey and sharing his experiences with other men. And I have grown this blog and twitter to over 11k people.

The next year was traveling to meet people that I had met as well as getting out of my shell. I overdid this, traveling so much that I was neglecting time with my kids. But I consistently traveled and got better socially. But I realized I was drinking way too much, so I also decided to get sober, which I have now been for 2.5 years.

In 2020 and 2021, I used the pandemic to get consistent on the home front, getting my home in order and get closer to my kids, I needed to be a better father, but I wasn’t showing up with them as much as I needed to. I’ve been learning to be a better dad as well as understanding that my connection to my kids is extremely important to their health and well being. I’ve been working in the Fraternity of Excellence to get better as a father and a man.

And now, in 2022, I’m dialing my fitness into the next level. My fitness goal has been to always look sexy naked, and with my trainer Phil Foster, I am pushing myself and establishing new consistent boundaries on how I work out and how I look. And, mercifully, after a year, I will be getting my finances in order and will be debt free except the house in a little over a week of this writing. Then I get to pay myself and spend my money on savings, investment, and college for my children.

I’ve also brought my consistency to my relationships. I’m reaching out to old friends I left on hold. I’m learning how be better with women in my work with Dr Taylor Burrowes. Before it was just pickup and sex, now it’s something more I’m looking for. I’m learning to vet these women, consistently and with consistency in my own values, boundaries, and behaviors.

All of this, every aspect of my life, has been addressed. All because I decided to show up. Sure there are important things that take precedence at this moment, but in general, I’m raising the level of my life and as a result, the level of those around me. People can count on me again, because they know I’ll show up.

My meetings, I’m there. My kids, I’m there. My fitness, I’m there. My friends and family, I’m there.

There’s something to be said about knowing someone will always be there.

And, when you can look into the mirror and know that you are bringing it everyday, the most important person that knows you’ll be there is…well….YOU.

But I’ve hired good people to help me get there. When you have the people to help you and you are willing to “show up” and help yourself with their tutelage, the sky’s the limit.

#FirstOfTheMonthChallenge

Going into 2022, I had several resolutions that I had been working on since Sept of 21. Guys have asked me how the hell I can get behind all of these resolutions and, you know, actually “DO THEM” but it’s become so ingrained in my mind that I need to get better everyday that many of these resolutions have become commonplace.

In order to get to your goals, you must “show up”, so I started the First of the Month Challenge to motivate people to take the same steps I took, the same consistent baby steps to get to their goals.

One of the things many people have stated about me is that my consistency is top notch. It hasn’t always been that way, but the way that it started was through my New Year’s Resolutions. So, I took it upon myself to show folks through the first quarter of this year, that 30 days becomes a habit, 60 days becomes a pattern, and 90 days becomes a lifestyle. Whether it’s fitness or something else, it will behoove you to follow through and be consistent in your goals. Just do one thing, one, for that amount of time and watch as you are able to apply that to other aspects of your life.

You’ll become unstoppable because you bothered to “show up.”

The stat that really stood out to me was that after the first month 80% of people quit their resolutions.

And I see it every year. The gym is packed the first two weeks of January, then people leave in droves and it’s back to the usual folks in February.

But, as I’ve seen year after year, there are the 20% that show up when the gym opens or are there when it’s about to close. It’s the 20% that push themselves to be better by “showing up” every day to get to their goals. It’s time to increase that percentage and hold folks accountable for their proclamations. And to hold them accountable, I want to be there with them as they take these steps to break out of their own dead end cycles.

So, if you’re looking for the magic code to be consistent, it’s nothing else but showing up when no one else does.

And it’s certainly not magic, just a sense of personal discipline ingrained in yourself by yourself to forge ahead and get what you truly dream of in life.

The magic of consistency is created by the commonplace activity of attendance.

And being consistent will bring that dream to a reality.

The Box

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Third game of the young baseball season. Double, standing at second in the bottom of the third inning.

The adrenaline of the young season already pulsing through his veins. He had scholarship offers from three D-1 schools, but this season was going to put him in the elites. The team was eliminated in Semi- State last year, but the championship would be theirs this year.

Single. He comes around easily to score. This was going to be his year.

Bottom of the ninth. He walks. He’s already scored three times, but their bullpen had issues and gave up a two run homer. Game was tied. He’s 264 feet from the sweep.

Bunt drops. He dives for second. Safe. One step closer.

He’s been giving it his all, not just for the offers, but because, he believed, he was the best on this team. And of course he was. Led in most catagiries, defensively good in the outfield, and brought it every game. Great teammate, and this was going to be his year.

Next batter. Shallow single, but not shallow enough. Give him the sign as he rounded third to hold. Fuck that. He picks up steam. He slides focusing on the plate, and the catcher has the ball. Time to collide.

He hits the catcher full speed, ball drops out. Game won. But in the commotion, in the heroic act to win the game, he comes up wincing.

“Probably just a sprain…”, he thinks. Then he feels the sharp pain in his knee. He drops. The team, in their celebration around him clears for the trainer and coaches.

He’s sure it’s not serious. But damn it hurts. He goes for X-rays. Torn ACL, sprained MCL, the blood drains from his face. There it goes, the offers, the state championship, all of it.

This was supposed to be his year.

Sometimes, we’re so focused on checking the box, pushing so hard to get it done, that we destroy everything else around us in this singular focus.

The idea of hitting a goal, at whatever cost necessary, sets us back further on other, more important things.

Instead of losing one thing, we lose everything. In the example above, the best player that the team needed, pushed when he didn’t necessarily have to. And in his push, it cost him and his team the championship. It cost him offers. But most of all, it cost him himself.

Sometimes, playing smart means taking the short term L for the long term W.

Blazes of glory don’t do you any good when you’re dead.

Injuries don’t help you because you can’t play.

We give people shit sometimes for not going 120% all the time, because we think they aren’t trying hard. Whereas, many of them are playing the long game, understanding that it’s difficult to go undefeated if you don’t have your best on the field.

The goal of fixing the light socket doesn’t really matter if the house is burning down around you.

For a long time, at my job, I have two chess pieces in my office. A king and a queen. I knew I had to be a king to get the queen. But for years, and even recently, I’ve been caught up in checking that damn box and getting a woman that I could call mine.

I’ve written so much, so many times about how a woman shouldn’t be your focus, and here I was, making it that, trying to check that damn box, because I thought, after years of frustration, I had finally gotten to the relationship I wanted.

Nothing else mattered, no how she felt, not the timing, not the whole situation. Taking my time wasn’t in the cards, because I had to check that box.

So here I am again. I won a battle, but lost the war. I focused on home plate, but wasn’t concerned with this woman’s reaction to all of it. It wasn’t fair to her. She didn’t get a say. And that wasn’t right.

We, as men, are taught to lead, and they will follow. But we also can’t go off half cocked, shooting from the hip, especially when there are other people involved. It does zero good to build a life with someone by smothering them in your plans, aspirations, and goals without talking to them.

Assumptions are the mother of all fuckups.

If you want a “Ride or Die”, she has to be holding onto you right on the bike, not being dragged behind by a chain.

All because I wanted to check that box.

All because the idea of a significant other overrode all other scenarios. I didn’t make her a teammate, she was a subject, an object that I gave no mind to, all for trying to check that box.

It hurts because it was an unforced error.

It hurts because it could have been prevented.

I was too selfish to see that the plate was blocked, and I was going to get hurt sliding in.

Many of the lessons I’ve talked about in my past posts on this blog have only been given lip service to me and I haven’t truly lived some of them, especially in relationships.

It’s very humbling to have your words used back at you to tell you you haven’t been true to who you say you are. It’s mirror work that needs to happen, and as strong as I am in many aspects of my life, my relationships with women still need a ton of work.

And that starts with me. It starts with applying the lessons I’ve talked about, but apparently haven’t fully grasped.

It’s leading, not dictating. It’s strength, not dominance. It’s empathy, not stubbornness.

It’s confidence, not desperation. It’s abundance, not scarcity. It’s outcome independence, not hanging my hat on a star.

It’s patience, not pushing. It’s understanding, compassion, and humility.

A man who is measured, strong, and content in his life won’t be eager to check a box. He sees home plate and a shallow single, but also sees the hold sign at third. He knows that he’ll still be playing in the next series, win or lose, because he listened instead of busting ahead haphazardly.

I wasn’t ready. I was only ready to check the box. And checking the box doesn’t mean shit if the whole world is burning around it.

It does you no good to be sitting out injured while your team goes on without you when they didn’t have that choice. You made that choice when you rounded third, and you hurt those who depended on you, who loved you, and who believed in you.

But most of all, you hurt yourself. You made choices that you know weren’t right in order to justify checking that fucking box.

This blog has always been a journal for me, taking the lessons in life, the experiences that have shaped me, and applying them and learning from them. But there are still lessons I haven’t learned. Still things I have to apply. Still places where I’ve fallen short, merely pretending to learn while not truly grasping these situations.

This isn’t a simulation. This isn’t a sheet of paper with boxes to check off. This is real life, love, and other people with feelings, goals, desires and aspirations. They matter too, and in the quest to find a quality LTR, they have a say. They’re your teammate. They’re your lover, they’re your friend. They aren’t a mark on a paper, a post on social media, a trophy that you can add to your mantle.

I have work to do. I’m still trying to be the best man I can be, I’m working everyday to put what I preach into practice. But there are still blind spots that I need to address, especially when it comes to relationships.

But as I’ve always said, and recently forgotten: “You can’t have a quality relationship until you love yourself.”

Everything about you has to be sincere, honest, and representative of who you are striving to be.

I’ve forgotten some of that, and those closest to me have made it very clear that this is a pattern I need to correct. And I intend to.

Time will tell.

The Pain You Need

Photo Credit: carlosxuma.com

At the birth of my beta existence, I was a senior in high school. I hadn’t dated much, and was just discovering girls, while many of my peers had been dating for 2-3 years. I was a virgin who had very little experience in this realm. I was a pretty hopeless case. A text book beta.

So it goes without saying that my first screaming case of oneitis occurred in these beta formative years. And of all my cases of oneitis, this was the worst.

She was tall, athletic, blond, and gorgeous. Tiffany was a freshman when I was a senior. She had lived in my neighborhood, and I knew of her growing up, but when she hit high school, she blossomed into a beautiful woman. And she knew it. So being a beta turd, I was already at a disadvantage. I was put into the friendzone almost immediately, with my only success being a stealed kiss waiting for a friend at my parents house.

She dated two of my friends as I continued into college. I was extremely hooked on her, almost unhealthy, and as she graduated, she would bounce around dating my good friends (everyone except me, essentially).

I still wouldn’t take the hint. When she entered college at my university, I tried to continue to play the nice guy. I took her to dinners constantly, listening to her drone on about how my friends were so awesome to her and she had a crush on them. Bouncing back and forth between my two best friends at the time, it was agony for me. And I still couldn’t drag myself out of it.

This screaming case of oneitis had cost me my college freedom. It had closed me off to what was possible. And even worse, if she had asked me to do anything, I would’ve done it twice over. She had a spell on me, and it really affected me.

On several of our dinner dates, I would continue to hint that I would be perfect for her, molding myself into someone she could date, but she would always tell me no. I’d be destroyed for a couple of months, and then go right back to trying to court her. Hope was killing my life.

Hope is a death knell for betas.

It was after college that I finally came a bit to my senses. I started to distance myself from her, only to have her come over and complain about my friend and her’s relationships. Then, her and my friend broke up. I thought this was my chance.

It was a May afternoon about a year after I graduated from college that I heard that not only was she not choosing me (a statement she had made many times before), but she was dating another one of my best friends. I exploded. She called from her car and I went off on both her and my friend. I was done. I didn’t talk to them for years after the fact.

But it didn’t have to be this way.

I’d never taken rejection well. To the point where if I was rejected, I would cower for two – three months and be petrified of approaching any girls. I had to resort to online dating so that I could buffer the horrible pain of rejection. So my high school and college careers was a series of oneitis catches, then rejection, then despair as I tried to get over it. It really was pitiful, but it was all I knew, so those years were essentially a dumpster fire.

“It’s As If You’ve Been Physically Hurt”

Rejection is a primal human fear. It’s a part of us. According to Psychology Today, rejection actually “piggybacks off of pain pathways in the brain.

Humans have a mapped feel for rejection, all the way back to ancient times. Humans have a need to belong, “and when they were ostracized by their tribe, it would almost mean certain death“. So in that sense, rejection was a life or death issue. Survival instincts kicked in after a rejection.

These days, we fear rejection even more, and the ostracization of people can be even more felt. So much so that society has put in buffers.

So terrified are we as a society of rejection, so terrified are we of social interaction, that we have built our dating technology, food service, grocery delivery, and dining out experiences to avoid speaking with people.

Think about it. We have food delivery, pay at the pump, grocery delivery, carry out, porn, and swiping right and left to specifically avoid talking to people in person. Social interaction means exposing ourselves to some form of rejection, and we avoid it like the plague. We like our bubbles, and we erect comfortable walls to keep us safe inside so we don’t have to feel that pain.

So what’s the result? Well, disaster.

Social skills are lacking in younger generations. Young men are having less sex than ever before. The amount of men not having sex has increased three fold over the past 10 years. We have buffered ourselves into a stagnation of child birth rates.

Reading body language, reading a room, interacting with people have all become quality skills that are needed these days. It’s amazing to me how technology has gone out of it’s way to push keeping people in their bubbles.

And all of this, all of it, because we want to avoid the pain of rejection.

The Alternative

Pain hurts. Of course it does. It’s a human body’s generated response to “stay the hell away from that”. But pain is also the body’s greatest teacher. Which is why we as a human race need to stop avoiding it.

S what did I do after I snapped? Well, continuing on my destiny of being a plugged in beta, I finally, finally, got out of my shell just after college. I started to work out more, I started to date more. I was meeting people. I would slowly work my way out of my rejection funks. Where before I would zero out for months, it was now weeks or days. Then, I met my wife.

The “lost decade” for me came after I had made so much progress. I fell back to Earth. And I didn’t have the chance to really come into my own, choosing the path of least resistance. Then I got divorced.

Going through the hell of divorce makes you a different person. The pain of rejection is nothing compared to the pain of divorce. When you start feeling REAL pain, financial, emotional, and physical, you realize that rejection is nothing.

So as I emerged from my divorce, it was time for me to finally take control. I fluttered around for about a year, dating occasionally, and still feeling the sting of rejection, but not to the extent I felt in my 20’s. It was getting better.

I’ve had three relationships in the 3 years since my divorce, and each relationship has taught me more and more about rejection in the big scheme of my world. The pain was becoming less intense with every breakup, every rejection, regardless of situations.

“Pain Don’t Hurt”

One of the most famous lines from the 1989 classic movie Road House, Patrick Swayze makes an excellent point. As he’s getting stitches from Kelly Lynch without numbing, he’s telling her about the amount of times he’s been stabbed, shot, and beaten up. His body has become used to it. It comes with the turf of being a bouncer.

So what the hell does this have to do with rejection? Well. I’ll let my recent experiences tell you.

In the past year, I’ve been rejected over 300 times by women. And while I now don’t think that’s a lot, taking the beta Red Pill Dad numbers of 2 months average after a rejection to get right, that would be over 50 years to stew over that many rejections. 50 FREAKIN’ YEARS. I’d be 75 years old with the same oneitis problems. What a waste of a life.

My pain is now pleasure. The pain of rejection has now been turned around in my life to give me a road map to be a better man.

Pain from rejection turns into learned experience and eventual success.

After any rejections, I don’t stew. I think, I write, and I study. I take advantage of my pain to show me what I did wrong.

Instead of passively avoiding the pain like we see society doing, I am actively working to avoid the pain by studying my techniques and learning what works.

Now, I’m approaching and getting rejected more than I ever had. The key to rejection is to NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL. Knowing that one fact will make the pain of rejection that much more easy to take. Whether she’s in a relationship, not in the mood, you don’t click with her, you live in different cities, or you have different goals and interests, it’s just not a fit.

She’s just not into you, bro.

Getting past the pain of rejection was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But overcoming that pain is small compared to the regret you’d feel living a life of disconnect just because you don’t want to feel it.

Feeling pain is living. So it’s time for you to start.

Men In Love

Credit:  WebMD

This is Part 2 of my “Men In” series:

There she is.  That girl you can’t get out of your head.  Great body, long blond hair, great smile, blue eyes, nice tits, sweet personality, everything you ever wanted.  She’s all you can think about.  You haven’t asked her out yet, but you see her every day at work, or every week at the gym, or this month at your friend’s get together.  She’s perfection to you.  She can do no wrong.  

She’s the girl of your dreams. 

Congrats, you have what we in the Manosphere call “oneitis“, or an obsession with one particular girl, or what some in the beta male would would classify as love.  It’s portrayed as a man’s reason for living, and most plugged in men continue to pursue this fantasy, sometimes even succeeding, then getting buyer’s remorse for not knowing the complexities of women. 

As we are approaching the reprehensible holiday of Valentine’s Day, a holiday invented in the second century AD by the Christians to skirt Emperor Claudius Gothicus’s marriage decree, and now hijacked by corporations, the Church, the feminine imperative, and Hollywood to make men feel bad for not giving gifts, spending time, or spending money on their significant others, we continue see love being perverted for different gains.  It’s been weaponized against men, through this wretched holiday, as well as through the lens of what the feminine imperative could squeeze from it.

It’s time to talk about men in love. 

Why Do You Hate Love?

“Love”, for lack of a better term, is used far too often for too many situations these days.   Love is supposed to be a catch all for strong emotions about something or somebody. 

The general response to the above diatribe from women to me would be, “Anyone who hates Valentine’s Day or love hasn’t really ever been in love, or they have experienced a bad heartbreak.”
While I have indeed experienced bad heartbreak (as have many men), I loathe that anyone who says I don’t like the word “love” is implying that I’m harboring an internal grudge against it because of past incidents with girls who rejected or broke up with me.  People are dying to connect these dots, because it supposedly invalidates my argument. 

From personal experience, in my early days as an AFC beta, I celebrated Valentine’s Day.  I thought I had to shower a girl with trinkets, gifts, and attention to validate my love for her.  I quickly learned that this was a fruitless endeavor.  I grew a bit wiser, and throughout my later relationships and up to my marriage, I seldom celebrated Valentine’s Day, and “love” was implied in my relationships. When I was married, my wife, at first, didn’t need proof of my feelings for her, but when the time came that she did need this proof (and the check almost always comes due at some point), I was already out the door.  The way that I saw it was, if I had to prove my love to this woman, it ceased to be love, and was now a business transaction.

Men can only feel “love”, or what they think is “love”, because as a goal, logic, and task oriented species, men focus on a goal and look for a solution.  That answer when dating is finding “true love”, or the ultimate solutions to a man’s “problem” of being single.  

This is what a fem-centric society wants.  Love, as with most things these days, has been hijacked by the feminine imperative not as a raw emotion, but as yet another filter to use for their hypergamic natures.  When a man gets oneitis, more often that not, he might as well be holding a giant, imaginary sign that states, “Average Frustrated Chump.”  Women avoid this like the plague, and when they see it, depending on the phase they’re in, not even Beta Bucks will help you. 

Countless romantic movies show men falling for a woman, being the “nice guy”, and getting his oneitis.  That’s how it’s supposed to be.  That’s how a fem-centric society wants to weed out the weak betas.

I don’t hate love, I hate what it’s being used for.

 

The Problem Of Love

For decades now, the manosphere has been accused of being misogynist, as well as decrying the values of love.  I think I speak for most of the mainstream manosphere when I say, I “love” women.  What do I mean?

Well, when I say love in the dating / relationship world, I should be saying:
-I enjoy the female form
-I enjoy the female company
-I enjoy sex with an attractive female, all the emotions and feelings I get from experiencing pleasure with the opposite sex
-I respect and appreciate everything a female has to offer
-I have an incredible admiration for all the amazing things females can do that men can’t

So, if you must call these things love, then I guess I can be called guilty for “loving” women.

The main problem with love is that it’s an emotion you can’t have without consequences. 

Love precipitates in many forms, including good and bad, but all very legitimate.  It’s one of the rawest emotions.  It’s brutality and bliss.  It’s decadence and danger.  It’s volatility incarnate.  It’s chaos.  This is why it can be used very effectively by women, because as creatures of chaos, it’s in their very large wheelhouse.

No matter how the chips fall in the dating world,  saying that word invokes strong emotions from females.  It’s a game changer, and as many a man has found out (including yours truly), saying that word too quickly in a relationship spells the end of said relationship.  You can’t say it until she does, and even then the feeling may not be mutual.  She’s always got something else on her mind, and it’s probably not you.  Unless you have an understanding about the general nature of women, as well as their feelings on love, you don’t have the knowledge of the dynamics involved.  The red pill alleviates many of these pitfalls.

The Responsibility of Love

Love is not harmless.  It’s not a fleeting emotion.  It’s a big deal, and it can get men into a lot of trouble.  When men love, there are many caveats attached to this love, including financial, emotional, and physical support of their woman.  This is how society expects men to show their love.  Women certainly don’t need this love, as they are capable of supporting themselves, but throughout early to dawn of the 20th century history, the man has been the bedrock of a relationship, creating the “bubble” which the woman had operated in. 

Then, with the advent of the Sexual Revolution of the 1960’s, women awoke to a new day where they controlled the dynamic, and they have not wrested control of it.  They were the bubble, they made the decisions, they played the part.  The sexual strategies being employed to this day developed in the past 50 years, and continue to evolve.

This is how society has been built.  Love no longer represents a harmless feeling, it’s very real, and if men aren’t prepared, can be damaging beyond belief.  It also represents a huge financial windfall for anyone wanting to make money off of it’s effects, from businesses marketing products, to family law, to state and federal governments, to churches, love’s for sale.  And if you choose not to play the game of love?  You’re a misogynist who’s been wronged far too many times by women.  Shame, guilt, and ridicule await you.

I don’t condone hating love.  My job is to make men aware of what it entails, what it stands for, and what it really means to be in love.  Love was sold as a good thing, suspending men in the good life, being happy, having sex, everything you were told it was about.

However, love is no longer a fruitless emotion, it is a responsibility.  And when presented like that, it’s not all roses and silk sheets.  I’m here to tell you that it’s not. 

As many wise men have stated, one cannot fully embrace the love of another without first securing the love of oneself.

One of the biggest adjustments of being red pill aware is not only the cynicism of love, but also the promise of how love can truly be fulfilled.  One thing that red pill knowledge has afforded me is the ability to realize more amazing relationships.  When you know what I know, you can approach love and relationships with logic, and still revel in the joys, feelings, and sensations of it.

Love is like fire.  It can be controlled, harnessed for good, but only after you know how to deal with it properly.  So educate yourself, so you can truly love again.


 

Men In Divorce

Source:  Armistead

This is Part 1 of my “Men In” series:

Marriage.  Man and woman, joined as one in the eyes of God.  In sickness and in health, ’til death do them part.    This was the way it was supposed to be.  Find a good woman, settle down, have kids, white picket fence, 50 year marriage.  
My, how times have changed.
Divorce rates, although down, are still hovering around 50% in the US.  Divorce is big business, funding family law offices, and financially stifling those unfortunate enough to be caught in it.  So what are the basics on divorce?
Divorce is a state level jurisdiction, which means the Federal Government never usually gets involved (it has only ever gotten involved in child support).  Almost all states have a form of what’s called a no-fault divorce system, which means one party can file for divorce at any time.  There used to be a “fault” divorce, premised on reasons for the divorce (abuse, adultery, etc.), but now it’s not really about the reason, it’s about the divorce.  There are really two main ways a divorce can go monetarily, and it depends on what state you got married in.
The first is called a “communal property” state, which splits the divorcing couples assets 50/50.  This is what Jeff Bezos will be going through in Washington.  There are other states that do what’s called an “equitable distribution”.  These laws take into account to what the state thinks each person is worth in the divorce.  It’s a misnomer as “equitable distribution” is not equal, it’s what’s “fair” as deemed by the state. 
As you can see, marriage has become less and less about love and companionship, and is exclusively a business transaction.  When the government became involved, the decline of marriage became inevitable, especially today, where family law, still antiquated and not updated in almost 40 years, savages people financially. 
I’m writing today to talk about men in divorce, and not just men, but men who actually take responsibility.  In many cases, these men are punished more than men who shirk their responsibilities.  Family law is so backwards these days, there are many examples of men being arrested for not paying child support for a child that isn’t even his.  Men can spend years in jail for being unable to pay alimony.  Custody of kids is skewed towards the woman, as men only received custody is 10-15% of cases.    
Men are hit harder by divorce.  Men are more likely to develop suicidal thoughts after divorce.  Men don’t have the social network that women have.  Men are the hopeless romantics.  Even in my personal experience of divorce, even when I initiated, I was devastated.  It was the most difficult time of my life, because I thought my marriage defined me.  It’s a blue pill norm that I couldn’t handle.  I’d lost myself.
 
However, my divorce was not typical.  It flew in the face of a lot of the norms, and I can confidently say that my divorce was very smooth.  I filed against my ex, and, by acting like mature adults, we had very little issue with the process.  We agreed on everything in principle, and with my job, I was lucky to be able to afford what was thrown at me.  We went through mediation, and never went to court.  My feeling was the money I was spending on lawyers could be better used by my kids.   
Child support in my state is figured with two factors in mind.  First, and most important, is time spent with the child.  The second, lesser figure, is income.  There are some states that factor income over time spent with the child, but the big picture for any state court is the child’s well being.  “Well being” is a broad definition in family court, so whatever the judge decides, is the law.
But for every example you give of a “deadbeat dad”, I can give you examples of men, who just want to be in their child’s lives, being victimized by a woman who knows there are times you can exploit the system, and it brings horrible tragedies to families already going through tough times.  While fathers not paying for their children is still a major problem, and with men still cheating more than women, family law has yet to address these new problems.  
The system is weaponized over hurt feelings.  This has to change.

“He’s Going to Pay for What He Did To Me.”

Women initiate divorce 69% of the time, according to a recent study by Stanford University.  The reasons are many behind the study, however, the study also recognizes that women have an easier time after divorce, because divorce, for many, is good for women.  Men who make more than their spouses have much more to lose.  With states that provide alimony, women have a base for which to grow economically, while men finance their endeavors, with jail time hovering over them if they don’t provide “an income for which she was accustomed to”.  The playing field is rigged much of the time, with the State becoming the de facto third parent, dolling out justice to those it feels have wronged the other party.  But it takes two to tango, and while we weep for those that feel they were wronged, both parties need to examine why divorces occur and if we need to re-examine the entire concept of marriage, much less why we get married in the first place.
With all the talk of gender equality, no where is gender more proportionally misrepresented than in the family courts.  We need to update family law, so all sides are more equitably represented and protected.  I’m all for women making more money than men, because then family law will have to contend with the fallout of traditional gender roles in marriage.  When you apply gender dynamics of the early 50’s to today’s family law decisions, it makes judge’s decisions that much easier (men work, women stay home).  But as we all know, it’s changed, and the system is hurting those it was designed to help.
As a man who constantly discusses divorce and what not to do, I always say that, especially in states without alimony, it’s child support, not spouse support.  I make sure to support my kids in every way possible.  I see fathers everyday who do the same thing, but are punished by a ex who uses the system to their advantage.  For every man cheating on his spouse, I have examples everyday of a woman cheating on her husband, claiming abuse where there wasn’t any, and ruining his life simply because she can, with the state as a willing accomplice. 
I have been soured on marriage.  I recommend to all of my readers to not get married.  Not even prenuptial agreements are safe for you.  Until you understand the consequences of marriage, you have to make sure you’re protected.  Always err on the side of caution, especially if you don’t know the whole story.
I lead with a story on divorce because when it all boils down, marriage and love are secondary to the very real effects that divorce has on a man’s life.  
If, and that’s a very big “if”, I get remarried, it will be with the express understanding of both parties of financial consequences and fallout from divorce.  It’s not about love anymore. 

Leagues

Photo Credit:  Elle Magazine / “Knocked Up”
As the new year is upon us, I have taken some time off to get my mind right, as well as get ready for my upcoming podcast.  However, I wanted to fire off a quick blog post, discussing something that I had mentioned on my twitter feed, and a topic that has been discussed at length in the manosphere.
Also, the topic of today’s blog, that of “leagues”, was the center of a heated debate among my family during the holiday break.  As my last relationship ended, many in my circle were very supportive of me, but the questions arose about the “type” of woman I was looking for.  
Was I “aiming too high”?  Convinced that I was not “being realistic” about the type of women I “needed” to start looking at?  Were they “out of my league”?
This begs the question, “What are leagues and how do they work?”
No doubt you’ve heard the expression, “She’s out of your league.”  It’s an expression that basically equates to a girl being too attractive for certain class of guys.   The HB Scale, which I’ve talked about on here briefly, show’s where a woman lands on a man’s scale of attractiveness.  Women obviously have a way to gauge a man’s attractiveness, and as looks, personality, and game go, they are very important in the world.  There’s no getting around it.
But what makes leagues so important is that thanks to hypergamy and the feminine imperative (FI), they have been implemented to have men pre-qualify themselves before even approaching a woman.  The simple statement of “she’s out of your league” tells a man to not even try to approach an HB 8-9 because he’s been convinced the best he can ever get is a 6 or 7.
Credit:  Sunny Street / Max Garcia
This is done on purpose.  The reason you see many of the memes and comics today of women at the office dismissing (or even reporting) a unattractive beta male who compliments her versus a hot alpha who compliments her and she’s in bed with that same night, is because of hypergamy, and the use of leagues (hence the double standard).  
Men are naturally polygamous, women are naturally hypergamous.  This makes the use of leagues as just another buffer for women to get the best possible mate.  There are always exceptions to these rules, of course, but human nature doesn’t lie.
So what does this mean?  It means the sooner you know a woman’s true nature (red pill), the sooner you can understand that one of the many ways women pre-screen their male choices is by creating the “league”.  As Rollo and Michelangelo stated, “it’s not that you aim too high and miss, it’s that you aim too low and succeed.”
The bottom line:  As soon as you realize that leagues are an invention to dismiss your worth to a woman, the sooner you realize that you can have any woman you want.  Any woman.
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. Michelangelo
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/michelangelo_108779

 

Know Your Worth and Increase It

Of course, Rollo has a great deal to speak about leagues, but I bring this up because of what happened to me personally.  As I have been dating quite a bit, I have bumped up against this use by some women of the “out of your league”, but I’ve never really spoke about it until the debate with some of my family over the holiday.
As the topic came up, it dealt with the class of woman that I have been dating, or attempting to date.  A comment was made that I need to “stay in my lane” in terms of women, by my ex-wife as it turned out (I am still very good friends with her).  Her ideas of the type of woman I would date were out of whack, as well as funded in fantasy.  My last relationship was with an HB 7-8, and this surprised certain members of my family.  But you can see the underlying codex, that of leagues, permeates the fabric of dating life.  
It shows you just how much the FI affects the world in pursuit of their goals.
The statements made were mostly about the type of girl I should be looking for, rather than the type of girl I want.  And while I understand the concern of my family as they feel like I’ll be let down but thinking I can have any woman, I can also attest to the fact that I won’t disqualify myself without giving it a shot.  And Wayne Gretsky stated, “We miss 100% of the shots we don’t take.”  But my success with women has increased a ton just by throwing off what I am “supposed” to do and not “staying in my lane.”
But this realization also comes with a side of cold, hard truths.  Knowing what you know about leagues still won’t get you into bed with an HB9.  And bagging such a woman should not be your primary goal. 

You need to work.  Work on yourself.  Work on your physique, work on your game, work on you.  You’ll find that if your self improvement is primary goal, the secondary goals will start becoming easier, especially when gaming women.  Nothing substitutes for hard work.  When you up yourself, you make the percentages of success that much more attainable.

Women are people, just like you and I.  They are nothing special, and those that think they are delude themselves and their followers.  The more you approach women, the more comfortable you get with it.  The notion of a league is an invented nonsense.  The sooner you realize that, the better.
So, as you go into this new year, remove another imagined barrier between yourself and the girls you want.   
There is no such thing as a league.