So I thought we’d have some fun and get away from the serious topics of the last two episodes, and so I went over to the Red Pill Brewery, connected to the Red Pill Dad Studios and had my good friend Jack Gefferson on for some beers and some man talk.
Completely unedited and unscripted (the “you know’s” fly fast and heavy from me), but it was a nice change of pace from the personal topics I’d covered in the past.
So pull up a chair, pop open a beer, and enjoy our discussion.
Marriage. Man and woman, joined as one in the eyes of God. In sickness and in health, ’til death do them part. This was the way it was supposed to be. Find a good woman, settle down, have kids, white picket fence, 50 year marriage.
My, how times have changed.
Divorce rates, although down, are still hovering around 50% in the US. Divorce is big business, funding family law offices, and financially stifling those unfortunate enough to be caught in it. So what are the basics on divorce?
Divorce is a state level jurisdiction, which means the Federal Government never usually gets involved (it has only ever gotten involved in child support). Almost all states have a form of what’s called a no-fault divorce system, which means one party can file for divorce at any time. There used to be a “fault” divorce, premised on reasons for the divorce (abuse, adultery, etc.), but now it’s not really about the reason, it’s about the divorce. There are really two main ways a divorce can go monetarily, and it depends on what state you got married in.
The first is called a “communal property” state, which splits the divorcing couples assets 50/50. This is what Jeff Bezos will be going through in Washington. There are other states that do what’s called an “equitable distribution”. These laws take into account to what the state thinks each person is worth in the divorce. It’s a misnomer as “equitable distribution” is not equal, it’s what’s “fair” as deemed by the state.
As you can see, marriage has become less and less about love and companionship, and is exclusively a business transaction. When the government became involved, the decline of marriage became inevitable, especially today, where family law, still antiquated and not updated in almost 40 years, savages people financially.
I’m writing today to talk about men in divorce, and not just men, but men who actually take responsibility. In many cases, these men are punished more than men who shirk their responsibilities. Family law is so backwards these days, there are many examples of men being arrested for not paying child support for a child that isn’t even his. Men can spend years in jail for being unable to pay alimony. Custody of kids is skewed towards the woman, as men only received custody is 10-15% of cases.
Men are hit harder by divorce. Men are more likely to develop suicidal thoughts after divorce. Men don’t have the social network that women have. Men are the hopeless romantics. Even in my personal experience of divorce, even when I initiated, I was devastated. It was the most difficult time of my life, because I thought my marriage defined me. It’s a blue pill norm that I couldn’t handle. I’d lost myself.
However, my divorce was not typical. It flew in the face of a lot of the norms, and I can confidently say that my divorce was very smooth. I filed against my ex, and, by acting like mature adults, we had very little issue with the process. We agreed on everything in principle, and with my job, I was lucky to be able to afford what was thrown at me. We went through mediation, and never went to court. My feeling was the money I was spending on lawyers could be better used by my kids.
Child support in my state is figured with two factors in mind. First, and most important, is time spent with the child. The second, lesser figure, is income. There are some states that factor income over time spent with the child, but the big picture for any state court is the child’s well being. “Well being” is a broad definition in family court, so whatever the judge decides, is the law.
But for every example you give of a “deadbeat dad”, I can give you examples of men, who just want to be in their child’s lives, being victimized by a woman who knows there are times you can exploit the system, and it brings horrible tragedies to families already going through tough times. While fathers not paying for their children is still a major problem, and with men still cheating more than women, family law has yet to address these new problems.
The system is weaponized over hurt feelings. This has to change.
“He’s Going to Pay for What He Did To Me.”
Women initiate divorce 69% of the time, according to a recent study by Stanford University. The reasons are many behind the study, however, the study also recognizes that women have an easier time after divorce, because divorce, for many, is good for women. Men who make more than their spouses have much more to lose. With states that provide alimony, women have a base for which to grow economically, while men finance their endeavors, with jail time hovering over them if they don’t provide “an income for which she was accustomed to”. The playing field is rigged much of the time, with the State becoming the de facto third parent, dolling out justice to those it feels have wronged the other party. But it takes two to tango, and while we weep for those that feel they were wronged, both parties need to examine why divorces occur and if we need to re-examine the entire concept of marriage, much less why we get married in the first place.
With all the talk of gender equality, no where is gender more proportionally misrepresented than in the family courts. We need to update family law, so all sides are more equitably represented and protected. I’m all for women making more money than men, because then family law will have to contend with the fallout of traditional gender roles in marriage. When you apply gender dynamics of the early 50’s to today’s family law decisions, it makes judge’s decisions that much easier (men work, women stay home). But as we all know, it’s changed, and the system is hurting those it was designed to help.
As a man who constantly discusses divorce and what not to do, I always say that, especially in states without alimony, it’s child support, not spouse support. I make sure to support my kids in every way possible. I see fathers everyday who do the same thing, but are punished by a ex who uses the system to their advantage. For every man cheating on his spouse, I have examples everyday of a woman cheating on her husband, claiming abuse where there wasn’t any, and ruining his life simply because she can, with the state as a willing accomplice.
I have been soured on marriage. I recommend to all of my readers to not get married. Not even prenuptial agreements are safe for you. Until you understand the consequences of marriage, you have to make sure you’re protected. Always err on the side of caution, especially if you don’t know the whole story.
I lead with a story on divorce because when it all boils down, marriage and love are secondary to the very real effects that divorce has on a man’s life.
If, and that’s a very big “if”, I get remarried, it will be with the express understanding of both parties of financial consequences and fallout from divorce. It’s not about love anymore.
I sat up in bed, on a cold, snowy February night. I had been unable to sleep for some time, tossing and turning in a sweaty mess. It had to be tonight. I couldn’t go on. It was pitch black in the bedroom. I turned on my night stand lamp. My mouth dried as I tried to summon up enough saliva to begin talking. This was going to be tough.
I was about to make the biggest decision of my life. One that would change not only my life, but the lives of my kids. I looked over and saw my wife sleeping. It was time.
“Hey, wake up.” I impatiently chortled.
“What do you want?” she sleepily asked.
“I’m done. I done with all of this. I want a divorce.” I said showing no emotion.
She gasped. The blankets shuffled rapidly.
“What the hell do you mean?” she angrily asked.
“I said, I’m done. I’ve had enough. I need out of this marriage,” I said.
Questions followed. Why? How?
Then the anger. “I knew you’d do this. I’m so angry at you. Let’s just give up on marriage. You’re hurting our children! I should’ve left you long ago. I’m not happy either. You’re fucking selfish.”
Eventually, their came the inevitable bargaining and desperation. “We need to go to counseling.”
But it was too late.
I had really made the decision some 6 months ago, in a psychologist’s office. I had been going to therapy for over a year. I knew my life wasn’t going to get any better as a married man. I needed to forge my own path. I had never discovered who I was, only what I had to do in order to “be happy”.
Get married. Have kids. Get a good job that pays a lot. Happiness will just come.
This is not correct.
It took a decade for me to figure it out.
So here I was, at the precipice of my own life, a life I had lived for everyone but myself.
When you own misery in your marriage outweighs your fear of being alone (a fear that was completely unfounded, thanks red pill), you tend to take on a fight or flight mentality. I flew.
I had no idea what I was doing. I hadn’t been single for a decade, and even then, I was a fresh faced beta male who was terrible with women. And on top of all of this, I had two kids. But I was determined to move forward. Nothing could be worse than being unhappy in a loveless marriage.
Dark times followed. Divorce is not kind, especially to men. It took a tremendous amount of money, time, and pain to take this path. Being a single dad is horrible especially when everyone including the state is against you. There are many laws that are completely unfair to divorced men, especially fathers who want to take care of their kids. Deadbeat dads are a terrible problem, but when women have the overwhelming power of the state to debilitate a father on their word alone, men fear not only for their financial freedom, but the custody of their kids is at stake.
I was lucky. I had an ex-wife who was willing to work with me as an adult. It wasn’t easy, nor was it cheap. Houses to fix up and sell, trying not to disrupt the lives of my kids. This particular path was difficult, but not as bad as others that have traveled.
In that time, the thing that kept me going was the fact that I could do this. I had faith in myself. I had never experienced such a feeling when I was plugged in. The system was set up for me to be a beta. I had never been concerned with my own happiness, but the happiness of others. And this is a recipe for failure.
So what did I learn? I realized what red pills already know.
You are what stands between the live that’s chosen for you versus the life you choose. As a red pill male, you have tremendous power over your own life. That is the key to it all. When you choose yourself over everything else, the gravitational forces shift from going away from you to coming toward you.
The best advice I can give to men going through this process is that through it all, you must have faith in yourself. This provides you with a suit of armor that protects you from a cruel, unforgiving process that is divorce. Regardless of your situation, self-empowerment can only help you navigate the new world. Not only will you be better off, your kids will have more respect for someone who has not only fought for them, but more respect for someone who has fought for himself.