The Box

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Third game of the young baseball season. Double, standing at second in the bottom of the third inning.

The adrenaline of the young season already pulsing through his veins. He had scholarship offers from three D-1 schools, but this season was going to put him in the elites. The team was eliminated in Semi- State last year, but the championship would be theirs this year.

Single. He comes around easily to score. This was going to be his year.

Bottom of the ninth. He walks. He’s already scored three times, but their bullpen had issues and gave up a two run homer. Game was tied. He’s 264 feet from the sweep.

Bunt drops. He dives for second. Safe. One step closer.

He’s been giving it his all, not just for the offers, but because, he believed, he was the best on this team. And of course he was. Led in most catagiries, defensively good in the outfield, and brought it every game. Great teammate, and this was going to be his year.

Next batter. Shallow single, but not shallow enough. Give him the sign as he rounded third to hold. Fuck that. He picks up steam. He slides focusing on the plate, and the catcher has the ball. Time to collide.

He hits the catcher full speed, ball drops out. Game won. But in the commotion, in the heroic act to win the game, he comes up wincing.

“Probably just a sprain…”, he thinks. Then he feels the sharp pain in his knee. He drops. The team, in their celebration around him clears for the trainer and coaches.

He’s sure it’s not serious. But damn it hurts. He goes for X-rays. Torn ACL, sprained MCL, the blood drains from his face. There it goes, the offers, the state championship, all of it.

This was supposed to be his year.

Sometimes, we’re so focused on checking the box, pushing so hard to get it done, that we destroy everything else around us in this singular focus.

The idea of hitting a goal, at whatever cost necessary, sets us back further on other, more important things.

Instead of losing one thing, we lose everything. In the example above, the best player that the team needed, pushed when he didn’t necessarily have to. And in his push, it cost him and his team the championship. It cost him offers. But most of all, it cost him himself.

Sometimes, playing smart means taking the short term L for the long term W.

Blazes of glory don’t do you any good when you’re dead.

Injuries don’t help you because you can’t play.

We give people shit sometimes for not going 120% all the time, because we think they aren’t trying hard. Whereas, many of them are playing the long game, understanding that it’s difficult to go undefeated if you don’t have your best on the field.

The goal of fixing the light socket doesn’t really matter if the house is burning down around you.

For a long time, at my job, I have two chess pieces in my office. A king and a queen. I knew I had to be a king to get the queen. But for years, and even recently, I’ve been caught up in checking that damn box and getting a woman that I could call mine.

I’ve written so much, so many times about how a woman shouldn’t be your focus, and here I was, making it that, trying to check that damn box, because I thought, after years of frustration, I had finally gotten to the relationship I wanted.

Nothing else mattered, no how she felt, not the timing, not the whole situation. Taking my time wasn’t in the cards, because I had to check that box.

So here I am again. I won a battle, but lost the war. I focused on home plate, but wasn’t concerned with this woman’s reaction to all of it. It wasn’t fair to her. She didn’t get a say. And that wasn’t right.

We, as men, are taught to lead, and they will follow. But we also can’t go off half cocked, shooting from the hip, especially when there are other people involved. It does zero good to build a life with someone by smothering them in your plans, aspirations, and goals without talking to them.

Assumptions are the mother of all fuckups.

If you want a “Ride or Die”, she has to be holding onto you right on the bike, not being dragged behind by a chain.

All because I wanted to check that box.

All because the idea of a significant other overrode all other scenarios. I didn’t make her a teammate, she was a subject, an object that I gave no mind to, all for trying to check that box.

It hurts because it was an unforced error.

It hurts because it could have been prevented.

I was too selfish to see that the plate was blocked, and I was going to get hurt sliding in.

Many of the lessons I’ve talked about in my past posts on this blog have only been given lip service to me and I haven’t truly lived some of them, especially in relationships.

It’s very humbling to have your words used back at you to tell you you haven’t been true to who you say you are. It’s mirror work that needs to happen, and as strong as I am in many aspects of my life, my relationships with women still need a ton of work.

And that starts with me. It starts with applying the lessons I’ve talked about, but apparently haven’t fully grasped.

It’s leading, not dictating. It’s strength, not dominance. It’s empathy, not stubbornness.

It’s confidence, not desperation. It’s abundance, not scarcity. It’s outcome independence, not hanging my hat on a star.

It’s patience, not pushing. It’s understanding, compassion, and humility.

A man who is measured, strong, and content in his life won’t be eager to check a box. He sees home plate and a shallow single, but also sees the hold sign at third. He knows that he’ll still be playing in the next series, win or lose, because he listened instead of busting ahead haphazardly.

I wasn’t ready. I was only ready to check the box. And checking the box doesn’t mean shit if the whole world is burning around it.

It does you no good to be sitting out injured while your team goes on without you when they didn’t have that choice. You made that choice when you rounded third, and you hurt those who depended on you, who loved you, and who believed in you.

But most of all, you hurt yourself. You made choices that you know weren’t right in order to justify checking that fucking box.

This blog has always been a journal for me, taking the lessons in life, the experiences that have shaped me, and applying them and learning from them. But there are still lessons I haven’t learned. Still things I have to apply. Still places where I’ve fallen short, merely pretending to learn while not truly grasping these situations.

This isn’t a simulation. This isn’t a sheet of paper with boxes to check off. This is real life, love, and other people with feelings, goals, desires and aspirations. They matter too, and in the quest to find a quality LTR, they have a say. They’re your teammate. They’re your lover, they’re your friend. They aren’t a mark on a paper, a post on social media, a trophy that you can add to your mantle.

I have work to do. I’m still trying to be the best man I can be, I’m working everyday to put what I preach into practice. But there are still blind spots that I need to address, especially when it comes to relationships.

But as I’ve always said, and recently forgotten: “You can’t have a quality relationship until you love yourself.”

Everything about you has to be sincere, honest, and representative of who you are striving to be.

I’ve forgotten some of that, and those closest to me have made it very clear that this is a pattern I need to correct. And I intend to.

Time will tell.

Men In Purpose

Source: Australia National Parks

This Is Part 5 of my “Men In” Series

I’m up and at it this afternoon after an incredible conversation I had with my best friend of about 35 years last night.

We tend to have very thought provoking discussions as we drink craft beer and smoke cigars, while I hit on the servers and he texts his wife.

Last night, however, got my brain all fired up, as a question came up that I was able to answer, but just a few years ago I couldn’t.

The question was posed in the middle of a discussion we were having about men’s rights and it came out very abruptly.

“If you had all the money you would need, or want, and all the sudden you didn’t work anymore, what would you do? What would be your purpose?”

I’ve recently discovered several purposes for myself, so the question was easy. I want to help men unplug, I also want to broaden my horizons on the red pill. I want to get into better shape, I want to be a great father. I want to learn to be better at game, and I want to forge a new career path of my own choosing, instead of being chained to my current business for the rest of my life.

But when we got to my friend, he was quiet. He couldn’t think of anything that would fulfill his purpose. He has been working all his life to provide for his wife and kids, that if one day it was okay not to go in, they have enough money, he didn’t have an answer to what he would do with his life.

So, my readers, ask yourself the question, “What is your purpose?”

The Blue Pill Purpose

Men are corrupted by so many things in this world from birth to death. They are told what to do by many entities, and what drives them, especially in the early years, are their parents. If they’re lucky enough to have a two parent household, Dad will pass down his typical “you are your job” line and that hard work to provide is what he had done. Mom will pass down her lines of “provider” status for any man. He has to provide for his family.

If he’s in a single parent household, especially with a single mom, he’s then assigned to be the impromptu patriarch, (or worse, the mother tries to assume this role) which is a task he doesn’t need to do, nor deserve. So he’s chastened to do what he can, and more often than not this is met with disdain. And without a proper father figure, he’s left to find other figures to emulate, most of which were members of a single mother family themselves. The process continues unabated.

As they get older, females drive to press men into servitude toward their ends continues to ramp up. Men will sacrifice anything to sleep with their oneitis, and their purpose, hopes, and dreams will go to the trash heap just for a piece of ass. They then follow their love to the ends of the earth, after which she sleeps with the first Chad she meets.

So now, their career awaits. If they were like me, they chose a career that was semi-interesting, but more importantly, would be one that pays the bills. So they strive for middle management in a corporate environment, all while marrying their college sweetheart or the girl they met on Bumble, and as they have kids, the wife stays home while the man busts his ass to bring home the bacon. The wife has an insatiable appetite for a new home, or new carpet, or paint, or she wants to go back to school because her first go round she didn’t do what she REALLY wanted. And then, because he’s killing himself to pay for all of the shit she’s bought, she cheats on him because he’s “not there for her or doesn’t understand her feelings.”

So here he is, stuck in a life that was not of his own choosing. And all he does is serve the imperative. Sure, he may watch sports, porn, hang with his other blue pill buddies, catch some concerts, mow his grass, landscape his home with the inflated mortgage, get fat, lament about his lot in life, but what truly does he do for HIMSELF?

It’s depressing as hell, but unfortunately, it’s where a majority of men find themselves.

Grasping At Straws

So what do they do? Much of the time, men are tricked into thinking serving institutions will give them purpose, but these institutions only serve themselves and the feminine imperative. So blue pilled men think they’ve escaped, but instead, are right back to serving something that has no interest in their well being.

Many men will go the religious route, which is far from self serving. Religion has become corrupted and the church continues to devolve into yet another feminization tool to control men. The church, at one time long ago, had men’s best interest at heart, but now, it’s another push for men to do their duty, which is serving female’s best interest. It’s more now about how to be a good husband, how to serve your wife and family, and how NOT to rock the boat. “We certainly don’t want men thinking for themselves, now do we?”

So men will cling to different worlds, hoping to find something that will give them a sense of life, a sense of purpose. And they fail. Because they can’t see the forest from the trees. They cannot truly have their own purpose unless it serves a need from the Imperative. So they continue to be led astray.

The minute they decide to go off this path that the Imperative wants them on, they are mocked, derided, ridiculed, and shamed back into it.

Women never have men’s best interests at heart. It’s not in their nature.

It’s truly when he decides to unplug that the world becomes as he should have been seeing it.

True Sight

So now, he’s unplugged.

It’s a rush of emotions. But now, he can truly fixate on his own life, his own purpose. It’s a clearing that many men have trouble overcoming, because, as in my case, I felt as if I wasted 3 decades of my life. There is despair, depression, and regret about the past, and many men won’t realize this is the only way to gain true clarity in their life, and they miss the boat for a few years.

The one thing that the red pill has afforded me is that clarity. I can now truly focus on what I want to do. Soul searching has been plentiful, but without the noise of a blue pill existence, it’s quiet, and it allows you to focus and explore who you really want to be.

There are, as in my friend’s case especially, exceptions. He and his wife have mutual goals, in a relationship built on complimentary relations, they work together. But she understands she must support him. His success is her success, and she and his ends line up. What’s very heartening about his situation is that, he’s free to explore his purpose, and his wife supports his quest wholeheartedly. It’s rare and needs to be commended.

A woman who puts her man’s purpose as her own, is a woman that truly loves and respects her man.

Quest For Yourself

So now what?

If you’re like me, you’re working towards your purpose. You have now dedicated your life to the drive toward this piece that defines your existence on this planet.

You will have to search for your purpose. You will have to dig deep, meditate, breathe, and look deep inside yourself.

You have something to give to this world, you just have to find it.

So, begin your quest, lads. It’s the most important mission you’ll ever undertake.

Find your purpose. Begin your journey.

Relationship Post Mortem

While my blog tends to cover the same ground as other Red Pill bloggers in terms of what I’ve already learned, I am trying to make a conscious effort to also show that I am still learning what it means to be Red Pill.  When I reference any of these writers whom have inspired me, I try to show how the information affected me, as well as how good the information is in general for any man looking to unplug.

But what happens with that information when I try to apply it to my life? 

One thing that I am learning to do now as an over 40 aware man that I never did before in my 20’s or 30’s is to analyze myself in how I am doing in my life.  This includes my personal goals, my fitness goals, my goals learning game, and my relationship goals.  Self actualization and analysis used to be something I thought was an absolute waste of time, and being plugged in, why wouldn’t I think that?

But emerging into this new Red Pill world, writing down and recording my goals and how to achieve them, and critiquing and then analyzing my behavior in a relationship or during an approach can yield massive amounts of information to help assist me in doing better next time. 

One of the things I want to share in this blog, upcoming podcast, and videos, is how a man in my position deals with these challenges.  I want you to see my progress, because many of you don’t know where to start, how to proceed, and what to analyze.  I want you to read, listen, and watch me, because deep down if I can help one man get through the same issues I have, then I’m doing what I set out to do. 

In my interactions with women, I’m trying to learn the ways of the Red Pill, and not just in the realm of pickup.  I also am trying to analyze my relationships with women, both past and current, to see where I can be better.  So, in the spirit of this experimentation, I am going to publish a post mortem of a relationship that ended for me just recently. 

To begin, let me say that I fell into some major beta traps in this relationship.  I can freely admit I screwed up, and making that statement is hard enough for a man who just broke up with his girlfriend.  But there were also major strides made.  As a blue pill, especially in past relationships, it would have never come to me to think of questions as I analyze my actions. 

I’ll now go through some of the words buzzing through my mind as I start my post mortem, then describe what happened, and throw in details of what I feel I could’ve done.  And yes, I expect many of you will be shaking your heads until your neck hurts.  It’s an honest approach from me, and I made many mistakes on this.

Background:  I met this particular girl at a mutual friend’s party, and while I wasn’t necessarily looking for anything long term, we hit it off.  She was a year younger than me.  She approached me as I was talking to another friend, and we began to talk.  She was an HB 7, and in good shape.  I asked for her number, she gave it, and asked her out via text.  She accepted, only after calling our mutual friends to make sure I wasn’t trying to just bed her and move on.  I replied with, “Whatever happens, happens.”  Also, a very big red flag came up that I ignored.  She had just broke up with her boyfriend of two years the same day we met.

Dating:  We proceeded to go out several times, including a breakfast first date, however, she was a single mom, and did not have much family around her, nor very many babysitters, so it was hard for her to get out.  I had three evening dates with her, many lunches, and many sexual rendezvous on her work days when she was working from home.  Sex was good.   I would always make the plans and surprise her (a very alpha move), but I was beta hooked.  I was developing oneitis.  After a month and a half, she insisted I meet her daughter.  She met my kids.  It was moving fast.  Too fast. 

Epiphany:  She met my family.  Our kids met each other.  I was realizing this speed was problematic.  It was when we started the family outings on weekends I had my kids that I started to realize this was moving at a break neck speed and needed to slow or stop.  She kept saying everything about me was amazing.  Sex with me was “incredible”, she said.  She “cared for me”.  She insisted on spending time with my family, especially during Thanksgiving.  Never once did she say “ILY” (I love you), but I figured it was coming.

Then, after a more stressing family outing, she started to distance herself. 

Aside:  I have noticed in a few of my relationships, especially ones with women who have hit their wall (34-41), that these women have a 90 day trial with any new man.  If they don’t like where the relationship is headed, I have observed that just before 3 months, they start to become distant and make plans for an exit.  I cannot tell you if this happens to other women under these ages, but I would love input if it does. 

Finale:  With the speed of this relationship finally ramping down (because we both saw the signs), I decided to make a decision.  All the plans we made for the future were vanishing one by one, as we both started to reign it in.  Potential vacations cancelled, kids activities where we wanted to attend were dropped, and finally, on a cold Thursday morning, I called to tell her that we needed a break.  She sobbed, but understood.  After a weekend of no contact (that’s the rule, dammit), she emailed me back a long, drawn out email saying that I was too “alpha” for her.  I was dictating the terms (which I wasn’t), but my feeling is it was a cop out for her to go back to her “beta” provider boyfriend before me.  She said she was an alpha also.  She wasn’t.  She had other irons in the fire.

A short email was sent by her after that, ending it.

Retrospective:   So what happened?  I now know.  And it wasn’t good on my part.  Not at all.  Let’s just put it this way, it should have never moved past casual dating, but I let it.  I wish I would’ve been too “alpha”, but I wasn’t.  Not even close.  Let’s look at the tape.

Credit:  SocialMettle

Alpha parts of the relationship: 
1.  I never texted first.  She would always text me first, and on only two occasions do I remember texting her first.
2.  I led.  Or at least tried to.  On most occasions, I made the plans, I picked the places, I kept her on her toes.  I kept the surprises coming.  She would make plans occasionally, and I went along, but this was one of her major gripes as she felt she didn’t have a say in our relationship.  She did.
3.  Eye contact.  I kept it all the time with her.  I made sure she knew I was there with my eyes.
4.  Honesty.  I made sure I was up front all the time.  At this point in my life, lying is pointless and time consuming.
5.  I cut it off.  After seeing the writing on the wall, I got out while I could.  This was the best decision I could have made in this situation.

Beta parts of the relationship:
1.  Oneitis.  I got it, I fell for her.  No way around it.  We went too fast, and I let it happen. 
2.  Thirst.  I would go out of my way to go to her place (40 minutes away) to have sex. 
3.  Weakness.  Even though she texted first, I texted back almost immediately. 
4.  Preserve at all costs.  Even at the end, I was kidding myself about wanting her in my life.  It shouldn’t have even been close.  This plane shouldn’t have even got off the ground.
5.  Frame.  What frame I had, I lost.  Frame is very fluid, and in my attempt to try and get it back, I put her off. 
6.  Other plates.  Number 1 part of plate theory is spinning other plates.  I didn’t have this back up plan active.  And it cost me.

Culmination:  So what did I learn?
I learned how quickly I was ready to lose frame over an HB7. 
I learned I have to stop the beta oneitis.  It’s not healthy for me or my interest. 
I learned that I don’t benefit from thirst, especially when I have options closer to my immediate area. 
I learned that I have been programmed to commit quickly because of something that looks potentially outstanding, but just pulled back from the brink in time. 
I learned that I need to make myself less accessible, regardless if I really like the woman.  You must maintain frame at all costs, or it’s over.
I learned that it’s never as good as it looks. 

And most of all, I learned that I have much more to learn. 

So there it is.  My last relationship under the microscope.  It was brutal, and I have a ways to go to attain what I want.  An LTR (long term relationship) with my frame as the primary.  So where do I go next?

I keep learning.  I keep reading.  I keep studying.  I keep writing.  I keep analyzing.  And most of all, I keep approaching.  I’m not going to get better by not doing the work.  

So keep your chins up, guys.  It’s going to get better.  Just let my self analysis show you what to do and not to do, so my loss is your gain. 

Never stop learning.

Faith In Yourself

I sat up in bed, on a cold, snowy February night.  I had been unable to sleep for some time, tossing and turning in a sweaty mess.  It had to be tonight.  I couldn’t go on.  It was pitch black in the bedroom.  I turned on my night stand lamp.  My mouth dried as I tried to summon up enough saliva to begin talking.  This was going to be tough.
I was about to make the biggest decision of my life.  One that would change not only my life, but the lives of my kids.  I looked over and saw my wife sleeping.  It was time.  
“Hey, wake up.” I impatiently chortled.
“What do you want?” she sleepily asked.
“I’m done.  I done with all of this.  I want a divorce.” I said showing no emotion.
She gasped.  The blankets shuffled rapidly.
“What the hell do you mean?” she angrily asked.
“I said, I’m done.  I’ve had enough.  I need out of this marriage,” I said.
Questions followed.  Why?  How?  
Then the anger.  “I knew you’d do this.  I’m so angry at you.  Let’s just give up on marriage.  You’re hurting our children!  I should’ve left you long ago.  I’m not happy either.  You’re fucking selfish.”
Eventually, their came the inevitable bargaining and desperation.  “We need to go to counseling.”
But it was too late.   
I had really made the decision some 6 months ago, in a psychologist’s office.  I had been going to therapy for over a year.  I knew my life wasn’t going to get any better as a married man.  I needed to forge my own path.  I had never discovered who I was, only what I had to do in order to “be happy”.
Get married.  Have kids.  Get a good job that pays a lot.  Happiness will just come.  
Wrong.  
This is not correct.  
It took a decade for me to figure it out. 
So here I was, at the precipice of my own life, a life I had lived for everyone but myself. 
When you own misery in your marriage outweighs your fear of being alone (a fear that was completely unfounded, thanks red pill), you tend to take on a fight or flight mentality.  I flew.  
I had no idea what I was doing.  I hadn’t been single for a decade, and even then, I was a fresh faced beta male who was terrible with women.  And on top of all of this, I had two kids.  But I was determined to move forward.  Nothing could be worse than being unhappy in a loveless marriage.  
Dark times followed.  Divorce is not kind, especially to men.  It took a tremendous amount of money, time, and pain to take this path.  Being a single dad is horrible especially when everyone including the state is against you.  There are many laws that are completely unfair to divorced men, especially fathers who want to take care of their kids.  Deadbeat dads are a terrible problem, but when women have the overwhelming power of the state to debilitate a father on their word alone, men fear not only for their financial freedom, but the custody of their kids is at stake.
I was lucky.  I had an ex-wife who was willing to work with me as an adult.  It wasn’t easy, nor was it cheap.  Houses to fix up and sell, trying not to disrupt the lives of my kids.  This particular path was difficult, but not as bad as others that have traveled.

In that time, the thing that kept me going was the fact that I could do this.  I had faith in myself.  I had never experienced such a feeling when I was plugged in.  The system was set up for me to be a beta.  I had never been concerned with my own happiness, but the happiness of others.  And this is a recipe for failure.

So what did I learn?  I realized what red pills already know.

You are what stands between the live that’s chosen for you versus the life you choose.  As a red pill male, you have tremendous power over your own life.  That is the key to it all.  When you choose yourself over everything else, the gravitational forces shift from going away from you to coming toward you.

The best advice I can give to men going through this process is that through it all, you must have faith in yourself.  This provides you with a suit of armor that protects you from a cruel, unforgiving process that is divorce.  Regardless of your situation, self-empowerment can only help you navigate the new world.  Not only will you be better off, your kids will have more respect for someone who has not only fought for them, but more respect for someone who has fought for himself.