Attractive Versus Hot

Photo Credit: Barnorama

She was gorgeous.

I saw her when I first walked into the room at the networking event. I went over to the bar and talked with the bartender for a moment, then ordered my usual Zombie Dust ale. I had been to many of these before, but this was the first time I’d seen this woman at this kind of event. She wore a light blue business suit, lace cami underneath, and a pearl necklace. Her eyes were as brown as mine were, and her dark brown hair was long and thick.

I sat at the bar watching her set up her booth, a sales table to give out free shit and promote her company. Her boss was flirting with another girl across the room while I looked into her eyes. She kept looking away. Her heels were on point. Fashion pumps with a fresh pedicure. I noticed everything about her. Her earrings, blue hoops matched her suit. She knew what she was doing.

So naturally, I went over to her. We started talking about her company, what she was doing at this networking event, and all the blah topics, but I eventually got her to open up and with a few drinks, we were having a good time as the networking event ended.

What was funny throughout all of this, is the mask was slipping a bit on her. She was obviously a drinker, party girl, but it was amazing how little it took for her to let her hair down and get out of her “business” mindset that made her nervous and unsure about herself.

Liquid courage does it every time.

Sure, she said she had a boyfriend, but she wasn’t acting like it. Touching my leg, whispering in my ear, other things that stated that she was unattached for the right guy.

There were other women there, but they weren’t as “hot” as she was. They didn’t command the room like she did. They were more homely, more reserved, less obnoxious, but they weren’t as hot as she was.

Men let women get away with a ton of shit when they’re hot.

This was the first 9 I had hit on, flirted with. My new found confidence, improved physique, and improving social skills were winning the day. This was what I had prepared for. This was the hotness I wanted in my life.

What I didn’t know at that time…..was that she was a 9, but she was also a damn handful.

I was just stoked to have pulled a hot girl. For months before, as I was working on my game and my approaches, I would go up to hot girls and be smacked down like a weak jumper in the paint. But, all of the sudden, the work was paying off, and I felt as if this was the big time that I was finally going to get some of that top-notch pussy that all the guys talk about.

Other women would look, try to get my attention, but I didn’t care. I had the hottest girl in the room flirting and touching me. Time to take this party on home and enjoy the spoils.

And enjoy I did. I’m sure we did things that her boyfriend didn’t get to do with her.

It was everything I had ever expected and more…..until I woke up the next morning.

Hot But Not Attractive

As I was learning, there was a difference in her attitude when she was not “in character” trolling for dudes in the dregs of the networking circuit. She would proudly claim “boyfriend” if her suitors were not properly attractive enough for her to deem worthy.

And this was just the tip of the iceberg. She was demanding. She had been used to men doing what she wanted because she was hot. When she came across a guy who didn’t, she immediately began the shit testing in earnest. And as I was finding out, she wasn’t a very deep person, meaning she kept her eyes on her phone one minute, and the mirror the next. She had tons of admirers….

As we started dating, I knew it wasn’t going to last very long. She wasn’t interested in anything but the attention she got from the guys she wanted. It was all about her, so it stood to reason that our little escapades weren’t going to last long at all.

Look, the sex was great. Her body and face would make me hard in a heartbeat, and I’d spend quite a few hours pounding away at her. But after the release, my post nut clarity (h/t to Donovan Sharpe for that little nugget) told me this girl was trouble.

Her liberal, “empowered”, independent woman mindset was getting older by the minute.

She belched like a trucker, she was a fucking slob, she was jealous of other girls who I spoke with, all while chatting away with other guys (of which I was slowly not giving a shit). I was under the impression of the many guys in PUA who had told me, “Dude, no matter how hot she is, some dude, somewhere, is tired of her shit.”

She would constantly try to start shit, even when we were out together at dinner. She would shit test incessantly just to try to get a rise out of me. Her self-esteem hinged on being able to challenge me at every opportunity, and it was getting tiresome.

The final straw came when one night, she decided to start talking shit to me when I was at a dinner event with some friends. I wasn’t going to stand for this anymore. So as she started to escalate, I left. And I never looked back to her.

I felt like I had won a prize at first, but then I felt as if the prize wasn’t as pristine and great as it had led me to believe.

She was high maintenance, an attention whore, a slob, and a deeply flawed human being.

But at least she was hot, right?

She would constantly challenge me in front of people, hoping I would erupt and fight back. Constant shit testing became a wear on my nerves.

But at least she was hot, right?

The sex was great. She was extremely good-looking. And I forgave many things she did because her ass looked good in a dress and she wore the heels I liked. But she was always on her phone, talking to who knows, planning her next dude, and this temporary fun time proved the point of the manosphere that “she’s not yours, it’s just your turn” was real as fuck.

But at least she was hot, right?

As I grew older, wiser, and dated more, I found out some things about women that I needed to find out. As soon as the leash of a dead marriage was off of me, I started to go all out in search of the hot women, because I was told they would make me happy. Having hot sex with a hot girl was what life was about. And in some way, yes, I’m glad I experienced it with her, but in many other, mounting cases, there was a reason she was single with a boyfriend for convenience.

Attractive But Not Hot

So after repeating this approach with hot women, and understanding that there were issues with the women I was dating, I started to up my own qualifications. No longer was it just about being a hot woman, it was about more than that. I started to look deeper into the women I was hitting on.

The thrill of banging a hot woman was getting old now. I understand that there are many men who would’ve killed to be in these positions and that I was looking a gift horse in the mouth if I wasn’t going to use my newfound powers to plow different girls, but I just didn’t see the benefit, especially if my mental stability was at stake.

So I pulled back. I regrouped and focused on what I really wanted in a woman that wasn’t being proudly displayed in public.

I started to talk to women and hit on them if I truly was attracted to them. The women I walked by so many times before at the networking events, at the restaurants, at the bars, that weren’t as hot, but were still good looking, were the ones I would talk to.

Many of them were non-starters, but more than enough of them were better and less work than the 8’s and 9’s I had struggled with.

And I was getting better with all women, but I was also raising my personal standards with women. I wasn’t going to just sleep with a woman for the hell of it, because while it was fun, the price of getting my dick wet wasn’t worth the mental anguish I was getting by dating these girls.

I was looking for a “Ride or Die”, a woman who would come into my world and be willing to be a part of it. It was her call. And I’d be remiss if I didn’t say I’d take a few hotness points less for a woman who would support me and be my “Ride or Die.”

As the old adage goes, “I’d rather date a 6 or 7 than put up with an 8 or a 9.”

There’s something to be said about a woman who has her shit together and is attractive in other ways besides looks. I’ve seen women who were a 5 or 6 who were more feminine, softer, and more attractive than the hottest 8 or 9. That’s because attitude either adds or subtracts from a woman. The hottest girl can be the most unattractive asshole if she opens her mouth. Hotter girls are more entitled, as they’ve had men waiting on them hand and foot for much of their lives.

As I’ve always said, the most unattractive hot girl is one that knows it.

Humility and being humble are extremely attractive in women.

Look, I’m not saying find the ugliest, fattest chick you can get because she might be attracted to you. You’re allowed to have standards. But be aware of the hot girls and the baggage they bring with their looks.

As a guy, it’s important for you to sow your oats. And yes, getting experience with hot women is what every guy wants. But be aware that it’s not everything.

Get your dick wet with a hottie. And if you’re lucky enough to find a hot girl that is actually humble and has it all together, hold on to her like grim death.

There are unicorns out there, they just need to be attracted by a beast of a man.

Trads or Chads

Photo Credit: BBC

The “manosphere”, a phrase that many times is just a catch all for men who are working against the feminist movement, working for men to re-take their lives, and working to educate men on their roles in this world, has recently had a split. But it’s not the split of egos or personal differences I’m talking about. It’s the perceived split between traditional men (Trads) and men who are still teaching basic PUA and interactions with females, touting “at times” the “enjoy the decline” mantra.

I will honestly say that these men and the camps they’ve formed, are NO different from each other. They all believe the same things, they all are unplugged and “red pilled” as well as under the same forward thinking that modern men need to be under.

The sphere, for years, has split against itself with one side claiming red pill purity and the other side claiming life after the red pill and men bettering themselves. Both are correct. Both are needed. Red pill is a truth moment, with it’s many branches, but it isn’t a blue print on how to live, it simply is a list of truths that a man must accept in order to move on with his life, especially with concern to women. Both are supposed to work in concert, with red pill guys dropping truth bombs, then PUA / life guys taking over to keep those truths in the man’s life, and crafting a life that these truths become a cornerstone of. But the truths are REQUIRED or a man to accept to move forward. He can’t halfheartedly accept them without knowing full well that they will change his life for the better if he adheres to them completely. He has to.

If he doesn’t, none of the other crap matters, because he’s still living in an illusion. If he does accept, the “trad” men take over and push a man to live for himself first, and a woman is a compliment to his life, not a reason.

Physical and mental fitness, style, diet, and other aspects are then put to this man, with him taking responsibility for creating a life that is truly his.

Gurus, dudes looking to make a buck, regular guys, etc, all vying to help this man with his life. None of this is wrong.

Once again, for the people in the back, there are no differences in these men’s thinking. Guys need the help, especially guys who have taken and accepted the pill. They are vulnerable out of the womb again, so men on the sphere are taking these guys and helping them.

The differences, as I will spell out here, put me in neither of the camps, and in the big scheme of things, are a hair that doesn’t need splitting, but will no doubt be split for years to come, as it has for years before.

Chads

The hard core red pill guys are out there everyday and they have a point.

They run with mantras such as “She’s not yours, it’s just your turn” as well as the other oft repeated phrases that have made this sphere the sphere that it is. Remember, it all begins and ends with the red pill, which is why guys like Rollo, Dalrock, Pook, Roosh, and Roissey will always have a voice long after they are gone. The reason these guys and their content will always be around is because it’s truth. It connects men throughout the world with the truth that’s been withheld from them forever. These buzz words and phrases, while trite and over used, form the basis of the truths men should be taught at a young age, but rarely are. Feminism is a huge problem that is only getting worse as we get into the more “woke” decade.

PUA’s are working on this side as well, and while notch count is king in many of their worlds, it stands to reason that getting better with women is one of the best and most useful applications of the red pill. You can’t be a better man without learning to be better with women. And men by the truckload want to be better with women. Men are sexual, so they’re buying what the manosphere and the red pill are selling. And it’s an easy sell because guys want to sleep with hot women.

The “enjoy the decline” guys have a point, albeit one that isn’t easily applied to an unplugged man’s life. The philosophy of ETD is a philosophy based on red pill truths but doesn’t give a man anything other than notches and a bit of an empty life to look back at. I think that many men require a purpose, with the purpose of bedding all manner of girls being fine for a period in a man’s life, but not the end all be all. This is why the red pill is a praxeology at first, and not the whole ball of wax that men need. Truly, living the red pill life has many advantages, but it doesn’t give men enough to truly move forward. It only shows men a general list of concepts to deal with women and move forward socially.

Which is why I don’t fall into this category. I do believe that men need to have experience with women and need to meet as many and experience as much from all women have to offer before deciding on an LTR. But I also believe that they need to have that LTR. Many of the red pill purists are in LTR’s or marriages. They’ve pursued red pill ideals to conclusions that go against some of the red pill purity crowd in never getting bogged down in marriage or LTR’s and notch count as king. I also believe that marriage is still a viable option, as most MGTOW or other red pill groups will tell men to avoid at all costs. Also, the RP decries women having any input at all on their side of it. “Don’t talk about Fight club” is all too prevalent. But I think women’s input, showing the results of what the red pill brings to men, can add to the sphere, just as long as they don’t dictate behaviors, but instead show how the behaviors learned can affect a positive relationship with the opposite sex.

The single mom dilemma isn’t a dilemma to Chads, as they avoid them at all costs. But I disagree with their thinking that ALL single moms are terrible wastes looking for men as a meal ticket or substitute father. There are many good ones out there I have dated not looking at victim hood as a cash cow, but putting their heads down and making no excuses for their lives. This is where I split with the Chad crowd. And while I’m in no danger of wifeing up a single mom for sex, it does happen and men need to avoid women who are damaged just looking for money to help them rectify mistakes they’ve made on another man’s bill. It’s about living life on your terms with all the education to back that up.

I still and always will be a red pill adherent. But I do believe that there is more to a man’s life than that, but it is the key that unlocks a vast majority of it.

The value lies in the fact that these truths will always be there for men willing to learn and accept them. And for that, they will be eternally important and a required part of the sphere. But there’s more.

Trads

Trads, or the beard wearing, lumberjack looking, weight lifting tough guys that have propagated the manosphere (I’m probably one cause I have a beard), have really taken off in the past year. We are seeing men living the manly virtues, all while trying to push red pill truths. We’ve seen the religious right show up in this group, with Christianity and some Islam being thrown into the manosphere for good measure. And why shouldn’t they? These religions are based on men leading and having a strong masculine presence. Islam, especially, hasn’t really been infiltrated by feminism as Christianity has. But the religious right will continue to lay claim to parts of the manosphere and what parts haven’t been feminized will continue to play a part at the table of traditional masculinity.

But many of the religious messages are not compatible with red pill truths, especially since we’ve seen a massive invasion of feminism in the church.

While the Chads set the truth, the Trads take it to conclusions. These are the life action guys such as the workout gurus, the dudes who demonstrate in life what actionable masculinity entails. They give the guidelines based on the red pill and how men need to live their lives in a red pill manner. If the red pill is the road map, the trad world is the transportation to get there.

Empowering men after they become unplugged has always been a dicey business because the temptation of the romantic, blue pill stories that get in men’s heads. The truth still needs someone to carry it to realization, men who have lived the pill and everything it stands for.

While I don’t relate to Chads on certain levels, I don’t relate to Trads on others.

True, I am a single father. True, I do believe that a long term relationship and marriage are still in the cards for many men. But every time traditional masculinity tries to up end or re-brand the red pill, they fail miserably. It shouldn’t be rebranded, and it can’t be re-invented. It’s a part of the sphere, regardless of if we think it should be or not. It’s a baseline realization that many men have to come to and it can’t be gotten around.

Marriage, as good as it can be, is not for every man. There are many men out there who are risk averse and also don’t have the inclination for any kinds of long term relationship, and that is okay.

Trads will also call on women to help shape and work on communicating the red pill, but they can’t effectively negotiate that side of it. This is where men on this side need to use their own success stories with their wives as motivation for men to show them what marriage, on their own terms, can truly be.

They also believe that many single moms are fine to date, as the Chads will tell you avoid them. Many single moms are damaged and looking for a meal ticket. They want a child to have a father figure because their worthless ex is not holding up his side of it. But there are quite a few single mothers I have dated that don’t ask for that. They have a father that cares and they aren’t in need of a man to father up the kids.

I also believe that sex, as a vital part of a man’s life, regardless of his morals, is still too important in any relationship to be disregarded. Red pill purists also believe this, and they are correct. Sex is much too important to try and gloss over.

The Two Sided Coin

So here we go, the two sided coin. A quarter is heads or tails, but it’s still worth 25 cents regardless of which side it lands on. That’s what this issue in in a nutshell. While we all may flex our perspective at times, all of it is good if in the end it’s establishing a man’s own choice as the correct one. Regardless of how he gets there, as long as he accepts the truth and chooses his life of his own accord, it’s a crap shoot on how to accomplish it.

There are no absolutes except the truth. And the truth will set you free. Other than that, the manosphere is one gigantic gray area. What work all of these men are doing, regardless of who says what, and who fronts how, is trying to keep men from making real mistakes that will cost them far more in the end. Money, time, even their lives. No man on this sphere wants to see a man take his own life. And that’s what we are all working towards. To make men satisfied and strong in their own lives. And making their own choices to that end, and holding them accountable.

It may not be pretty, but we are all living examples of men who’ve weathered hard times to come out ahead. And we’ve all done it on the red pill.

So regardless of which side you’re on, I’m telling you that the men I see and talk to on this side are preaching the truth, regardless of flex. They are trying to get men away from the feminist dream and trying to put them on solid ground that they alone negotiate. Men have to live life by their own rules, and it’s time for the sides to come together to make that happen.

It won’t, but I can always be hopeful.

For now, I choose not to be on either side. They both have their advantages, but both need to bridge the gap to really get to helping men the best way, by combining their forces. I will continue to be a demon for both sides because I don’t fully subscribe to either ideology. Because we need real world solutions besides broad platitudes to really help men in every situation. But, alas, we will be here for a while yet.

But, here’s the thing. Reasonable takes are needed in all aspects of a man’s life, and a platitude that pushes too far on either side shouldn’t be accepted.

But we still have the gaps, and we still have the disagreements, and we’ll still have it for years to come.

So I continue to work laboring under the common sense approach to all of this, what’s right is right, what’s wrong is wrong, but as long as you own it and do it on your own terms, you are living life right.

The Sale

Photo Credit: “The New Yorker”

So, you’ve decided to go to a new church. You’ve heard great things about it. Your friends are raving about the spiritual content, the great speakers, the fantastic music, and the real down home community feel.

It’s a startup church, just working on building it’s flock. How are they going to persuade you to come to their church? They don’t have the main church built yet, so they’re having to use a school auditorium for Sunday service, but the people are great, and they really focus on positive aspects of the religion they believe in. But they have other great aspects that they showcase. A great priest and message, good music, a welcoming environment, and other bonuses make this church one of the best up and coming places to worship.

So why go? You’re curious. You want to see more. You want to explore and know why and how they praise their God. You want to see if you have things in common with the congregation. You want to feel comfortable with as much as you can before you commit. You won’t give money to an organization you don’t trust. So you try to do as much homework as you can to make sure you make the right choice.

So with this in mind, think about sales in general. How is this church going to continue to exist? With money. With donations. With a flock. They have to get butts in the pews or they’ll fold. So they have to give you options and attractive things to want to donate to. This isn’t manipulation, it’s the church knowing human nature and how to sell. If they do well, they’ll survive and thrive. If they don’t, it’s closing the doors.

When a life coach sells you on a positive mind set training book, or a psychic sells you on being able to talk to spirits, or Taco Bell sells you on a taco shell made out of a Dorito, you are being presented with a choice to partake in said activity for money, or not. You can easily walk out and go somewhere else. But at that moment, you have a choice. Now, many of these sales people will try to sweeten the deal by studying how humans generally react to certain sales tactics, or they’ll practice other tricks of the trade to try to close the sale. And many will fail, but some do better than others. Why?

Simple. They’ve studied human nature. Advertisers spent decades not only perfecting their product, but also making you want it. Not because they’re manipulating you, but because they just play the game better than others do. They know the rules and they push every avenue to win over their client base from the competition.

This isn’t using cheat codes, this is just someone who’s practiced, understands reactions, and knows how to sell his product. You just have to be smart enough to see through the bullshit.

Lately, there has been a misnomer to game and PUA (pick up artistry) that it’s manipulation, pure and simple. However, it isn’t. It never has been.

“Coffee’s For Closers”

Photo Credit: “Glengarry Glen Ross”

Pickup / Game started when a bunch of dorks, geeks, nerds, and sexually irrelevant men decided that hypergamy and female sexual empowerment wasn’t going to leave them out in the cold. They wanted sex with hot girls (as most men want) and they weren’t going to let their limitations hold them back. So they studied. And they practiced. And they used canned lines to elicit emotional reactions from females. They were shot down, but more and more, as they got better at their craft. They learned about human nature, learned about advertising their strengths and masking their weaknesses. They got so good they would go to great lengths to sell themselves. Mystery, quite possibly the greatest PUA of all time, used to dress in high platform heels, black everything, black top hat, black fingernail polish. No woman in a million years would go to bed with him, right?

Wrong. He made the case that PUA is sales, pure and simple. Many women bought and bought often. Many did not. But one thing’s for sure, women who slept with him didn’t have buyer’s remorse. They WANTED to sleep with him, they wanted what he was selling, and they lined up for it. They were unapologetic about it, even going so far as to share him with other women. Why? He was selling a good product.

In my excellent article “The Sexual Arms Race“, I talk about what men had to do to respond to female sexual empowerment and hypergamy being let off the leash in the 60’s and 70′. They had to adapt. There were many men who were going to be left out in the cold when it came to having sex with beautiful women, so (and some PUA’s from back then should today be considered autistic) nerds, dweebs and geeks analytically attacked a problem and studied it. And the sale they came up with was better than guys who had been naturally better with women by a country mile. They tapped into human nature and studied, practiced getting shot down but building their confidence, and at the pinnacle of their success, would snatch girls away from men who were considered higher value or even celebrity.

Did these men plant key phrases in these women to get them to do things? Did they hypnotize them and make them go against their will? Did they trick them into sleeping with them?

Hardly. They merely practiced and learned to play the game better than their competition. And women were buying. Many women.

Making The Sale

“What differentiates sellers today is their ability to bring fresh ideas.” -Jill Konrath

Back in the early parts of this century, PUA was gaining a foothold because guys were trying sales tactics that no one had ever thought of trying. Sales, in all of it’s intricacies, is at it’s heart about persistence. You have to keep getting up and going out there, believing in you, your product, and your company. You’re not going to reach anyone if you don’t get in front of them.

This is the absolute heart and soul of game and PUA teaching. The whole idea of canned lines, routines, and other tactics was to get you in front of women, get you confident in yourself in those women, and get you confident in the product that was you. That’s it. It wasn’t some elaborate scheme to trick someone into sleeping with you, nor was it a pyramid scheme to steal anything from anyone.

It was just a bunch of guys wanted to get laid by pretty girls.

They made the sale in their own ways. Mystery and Style (Neil Strauss) used pea-cocking. Ross Jefferies used speed seduction. Tyler Durden and the gang used Real Social Dynamics. The bottom line of all of these? A way of selling a product. That product is you. And some women don’t buy, and some women do. The point? They buy because there’s a demand for the product, not because the product hypnotizes them into doing something they don’t want to do.

Sales becomes manipulation when the outcome isn’t what the buyer wanted or expected.

There’s an old saying in my industry that “you can’t buy a steak from McDonald’s”. If you know what you’re buying, you can’t be upset when the product isn’t as good as you thought. As with everything, you as the buyer need to research your purchases, not get mad when the product doesn’t live up to unreal expectations that you had.

When women call PUA or game, manipulation, they are essentially participating in buyer’s remorse. They were sold a product that didn’t live up to it’s billing, so they claim they were coerced into buying in. That way, they can’t be blamed for making a bad choice, and they can demonize a group of guys who simply wanted to have sex with hot girls by trying to sell themselves. The women will claim a “mystical, back door, shady” approach is what sold them, when they could’ve easily walked away and taken their “money” somewhere else.

We are seeing a society today that holds businesses to an unbelievable standard. They want service quick, food hot, and an amazing experience, or they’ll be on Yelp! quicker than you can say “bad customer review.”

Businesses are adapting but we quickly blame others for our own failures and shortcomings in actually researching what we buy. And when we get burned? We bad mouth the establishment and make it their problem. Same principle applies to dating, game and pick up.

Women realize they’ve been sold something they shouldn’t have bought, so they claim poor product, rather than taking the time to understand why they bought this. They state they were clearly “tricked”, “manipulated”, or other reasons because they wouldn’t be caught dead having sex with this “loser”. “I’m better than this,” she says to herself. She’s been manipulated by a dork. But what she doesn’t understand is that she made that choice to sleep with him.

So, remember this ladies. No one is manipulating you. No one is tricking you into sleeping with them. You have free will to walk away and not buy, and many of your colleagues do this every day to guys coming up to them. So why are you different? You aren’t.

If a product, slogan, or advertisement controls your free will and choice, perhaps you need to not be as pliable to those techniques and be more mindful of your personal choices and wants.

Stop having buyer’s remorse and blaming the PUA and game community for “manipulating” you when they are only selling a product. Take responsibility for your own actions and you will be certain the next product you “buy” will be one you actually like.