Men In Divorce

Source:  Armistead

This is Part 1 of my “Men In” series:

Marriage.  Man and woman, joined as one in the eyes of God.  In sickness and in health, ’til death do them part.    This was the way it was supposed to be.  Find a good woman, settle down, have kids, white picket fence, 50 year marriage.  
My, how times have changed.
Divorce rates, although down, are still hovering around 50% in the US.  Divorce is big business, funding family law offices, and financially stifling those unfortunate enough to be caught in it.  So what are the basics on divorce?
Divorce is a state level jurisdiction, which means the Federal Government never usually gets involved (it has only ever gotten involved in child support).  Almost all states have a form of what’s called a no-fault divorce system, which means one party can file for divorce at any time.  There used to be a “fault” divorce, premised on reasons for the divorce (abuse, adultery, etc.), but now it’s not really about the reason, it’s about the divorce.  There are really two main ways a divorce can go monetarily, and it depends on what state you got married in.
The first is called a “communal property” state, which splits the divorcing couples assets 50/50.  This is what Jeff Bezos will be going through in Washington.  There are other states that do what’s called an “equitable distribution”.  These laws take into account to what the state thinks each person is worth in the divorce.  It’s a misnomer as “equitable distribution” is not equal, it’s what’s “fair” as deemed by the state. 
As you can see, marriage has become less and less about love and companionship, and is exclusively a business transaction.  When the government became involved, the decline of marriage became inevitable, especially today, where family law, still antiquated and not updated in almost 40 years, savages people financially. 
I’m writing today to talk about men in divorce, and not just men, but men who actually take responsibility.  In many cases, these men are punished more than men who shirk their responsibilities.  Family law is so backwards these days, there are many examples of men being arrested for not paying child support for a child that isn’t even his.  Men can spend years in jail for being unable to pay alimony.  Custody of kids is skewed towards the woman, as men only received custody is 10-15% of cases.    
Men are hit harder by divorce.  Men are more likely to develop suicidal thoughts after divorce.  Men don’t have the social network that women have.  Men are the hopeless romantics.  Even in my personal experience of divorce, even when I initiated, I was devastated.  It was the most difficult time of my life, because I thought my marriage defined me.  It’s a blue pill norm that I couldn’t handle.  I’d lost myself.
 
However, my divorce was not typical.  It flew in the face of a lot of the norms, and I can confidently say that my divorce was very smooth.  I filed against my ex, and, by acting like mature adults, we had very little issue with the process.  We agreed on everything in principle, and with my job, I was lucky to be able to afford what was thrown at me.  We went through mediation, and never went to court.  My feeling was the money I was spending on lawyers could be better used by my kids.   
Child support in my state is figured with two factors in mind.  First, and most important, is time spent with the child.  The second, lesser figure, is income.  There are some states that factor income over time spent with the child, but the big picture for any state court is the child’s well being.  “Well being” is a broad definition in family court, so whatever the judge decides, is the law.
But for every example you give of a “deadbeat dad”, I can give you examples of men, who just want to be in their child’s lives, being victimized by a woman who knows there are times you can exploit the system, and it brings horrible tragedies to families already going through tough times.  While fathers not paying for their children is still a major problem, and with men still cheating more than women, family law has yet to address these new problems.  
The system is weaponized over hurt feelings.  This has to change.

“He’s Going to Pay for What He Did To Me.”

Women initiate divorce 69% of the time, according to a recent study by Stanford University.  The reasons are many behind the study, however, the study also recognizes that women have an easier time after divorce, because divorce, for many, is good for women.  Men who make more than their spouses have much more to lose.  With states that provide alimony, women have a base for which to grow economically, while men finance their endeavors, with jail time hovering over them if they don’t provide “an income for which she was accustomed to”.  The playing field is rigged much of the time, with the State becoming the de facto third parent, dolling out justice to those it feels have wronged the other party.  But it takes two to tango, and while we weep for those that feel they were wronged, both parties need to examine why divorces occur and if we need to re-examine the entire concept of marriage, much less why we get married in the first place.
With all the talk of gender equality, no where is gender more proportionally misrepresented than in the family courts.  We need to update family law, so all sides are more equitably represented and protected.  I’m all for women making more money than men, because then family law will have to contend with the fallout of traditional gender roles in marriage.  When you apply gender dynamics of the early 50’s to today’s family law decisions, it makes judge’s decisions that much easier (men work, women stay home).  But as we all know, it’s changed, and the system is hurting those it was designed to help.
As a man who constantly discusses divorce and what not to do, I always say that, especially in states without alimony, it’s child support, not spouse support.  I make sure to support my kids in every way possible.  I see fathers everyday who do the same thing, but are punished by a ex who uses the system to their advantage.  For every man cheating on his spouse, I have examples everyday of a woman cheating on her husband, claiming abuse where there wasn’t any, and ruining his life simply because she can, with the state as a willing accomplice. 
I have been soured on marriage.  I recommend to all of my readers to not get married.  Not even prenuptial agreements are safe for you.  Until you understand the consequences of marriage, you have to make sure you’re protected.  Always err on the side of caution, especially if you don’t know the whole story.
I lead with a story on divorce because when it all boils down, marriage and love are secondary to the very real effects that divorce has on a man’s life.  
If, and that’s a very big “if”, I get remarried, it will be with the express understanding of both parties of financial consequences and fallout from divorce.  It’s not about love anymore. 

Why Do This?

Throughout my red pill journey, questions inevitably come up when I’m talking with friends, family, and men I’m trying to reach about why I decided to do this whole thing.

There is an inherent risk to what I am doing, as it completely flies in the face of everything I was taught, as well as it’s not exactly politically correct to believe certain aspects of the Red Pill.

One thing I stress as a RP aware blogger is the conditions that I describe that happened to me are not unique to my situation.  I speak about my experience with certain women because what has been described at length in the manosphere HAS happened to me.

The RP narrative hits close to home for me because of the women I’ve been with.  But this certainly doesn’t apply to all women, as dealing in generalities is a dangerous game that I won’t play. 

As I type this, I’m constantly bombarded with articles citing the RP as a misogynistic practice put forth by losers who have an axe to grind with women they were dumped by, who they couldn’t ask out, or who cheated on them.  They claim that the manosphere is rife with basement dwelling keyboard jockeys who couldn’t get laid, much less get a woman to notice them.  They claim that the RP gives men unlimited reasons to trash women, complain about not getting laid, contemplate violent thoughts, and other horrible issues that RP is sometimes attached to.

However, this is not the red pill I know.  This is sects of crazies dedicated to perverting red pill truths into their own distorted reality.  There is blame of women for their lot in life.  These are the incels.  This is misogyny.  This is anger.  These are men who need help.  

I wish to pursue a more blatant definition of the red pill, that of positive masculinity.  A man must take responsibility for himself, his circumstances, and make the best choice available.  A man must constantly work to improve himself, not only for him, but for those who rely on him.  A man must be a father, to support his children in a positive role, helping to raise them to become well adjusted adults.

As many studies have shown, a strong, masculine presence is essential to raising a well adjusted child.  Men need to grow up and take responsibility for their choices, which in many situations they don’t.  I can’t tell you the amount of dead beat dads that I know of, who ran off to whatever they were after, only to leave their kids and significant other in need of that masculine presence.  A man needs to lead, not cut and run.  We as men need to take the reins back and show people how amazing dads are, and continue to raise the next generation to know how to be a successful husband and father.  

There are many more areas a man can take more responsibility.  A man can take care of his own birth control.  Wearing a condom not only prevents sexually transmitted diseases, but it also prevents unwanted pregnancies, as well as showing a woman you’re in control of your body.  Men need to take a greater role in birth control.

I love women.  Femininity is an amazing thing that I absolutely adore.   That being said, there are many women out there that fit the red pill narrative to a tee.  Helping men to recognize these signs and what they can do to maximize their efforts with women in their lives is only going to strengthen the bonds between both sexes.  Some women won’t say no to a better man, especially one who exhibits more alpha tendencies.  And studies do show that women do prefer aggressive, alpha based males over their counterparts.  The dads or cads allure is real (also known in the manosphere as “Alpha Fucks and Beta Bucks”).  Alpha males, in my opinion, are real, or at least their most attractive tendencies are.

Also, there is a concerted effort by crazy feminists to destroy men.  They do want equality, they want a gender war.  I’m not only staunchly against misogyny, but the natural lean of some fringe feminists is to spread misandry, which is just as bad as misogyny.  Two wrongs don’t make a right.  Men and women are equal, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t different.  Both sexes have strengths and weaknesses.  And yes, I do believe in traditional gender roles.  But the fight against the traditional gender roles can go too far sometimes.

We can’t even have a Christmas song

Source:  Craig James, The Family Alpha

Why do I do this?

Men need to be men again.

Why do I do this?

I want to share my experiences with other men to help them become better.

Why do I do this?

Because men are being portrayed as expendable, and we aren’t even the majority sex on this planet.

Why do I do this?

Because men are reaching out in their loveless marriages to me, and asking me what they can do to be with their wives intimately again.

Why do I do this?

Because sex is one of the most important things in a relationship for men. And any man that tells you different doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  As Rollo Tomassi states, “Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together.”

But the most important reason is a lesson to all men.  A lesson a friend of mine learned first hand, and a lesson I won’t forget:

I had a very good friend from college some 20 years ago whom I kept in touch with.  He was a great dad, great husband, and was as I was, a blue pill beta.  He married his wife after they met in college, and she was his one and only sexual partner.  We grew apart, as some friends do, but I always made it a point to at least call him once or twice a year to see how he was.  His kids were just a bit older than mine, and we’d talk about our lives.  

One night, he reached out to me when I was still married, and was concerned about his marriage.  He and his wife had not had sex in over a year, and there he was, in a loveless marriage.  He was out of shape, working a job he hated, and concerned that something had happened.  I simply told him, in my blue pill state at that time, that “everything will work out.  Just be yourself.  Go to counseling with your wife if you think there’s a problem.”  

After that conversation, I didn’t talk to him much anymore.  After some sporadic conversations about two months later, I lost touch with him.  It wasn’t until about 5 years ago that his name came up again, this time, for something that shocked me as a man to the core.

I had a chance to catch up with a mutual friend at a bar.  I asked how my friend was, and she replied very solemnly.  

Turns out, my friend had attempted counseling with his wife.  They went for a few sessions, but she abruptly stopped going.  One day, she approached him with the news.  She had been cheating on him for over 2 years with a guy she met at work.    She said she didn’t love him anymore, and he was devastated.  He had done everything by the book and had wasted his life on a woman who didn’t love or respect him.  And all because he was doing what society said he was supposed to do. 

As our mutual friend spoke, her voice cracked.  “He committed suicide just three months after he found out.  It was heartbreaking.”  I couldn’t believe it.  I was speechless.  

This story speaks to all men.  It spoke to me, and it and other stories like it drive me to make men better for themselves.  I can’t save those who we’ve lost, but I can try to prevent this from happening again.


Men are 3.5 times more likely to commit suicide than women.  I need to do what I can to help remember those like my friend, who had his whole life ahead of him, but was never unplugged to live life for himself.  I can’t save him anymore, but I can save myself, and I can save other men.

I can attempt to push back, from our terribly unfair family court system in the US to cataloging my attempts to learn game, from chronicling my life as a father to my constant state of learning about interpersonal relationships between men and women, but my wish is to inform.

To sum it up, Chris Rock recently released a comedy special that has a controversial quote, but one I tend to believe in to some extent.  It certainly drives home some points of the blue pill world I experienced:

I want my life to be a blueprint for how to be a red pill man.  I want to raise my kids with a strong, masculine presence.  I want to be the best version of myself I can be.  

And now, you know why I do this.  

Faith In Yourself

I sat up in bed, on a cold, snowy February night.  I had been unable to sleep for some time, tossing and turning in a sweaty mess.  It had to be tonight.  I couldn’t go on.  It was pitch black in the bedroom.  I turned on my night stand lamp.  My mouth dried as I tried to summon up enough saliva to begin talking.  This was going to be tough.
I was about to make the biggest decision of my life.  One that would change not only my life, but the lives of my kids.  I looked over and saw my wife sleeping.  It was time.  
“Hey, wake up.” I impatiently chortled.
“What do you want?” she sleepily asked.
“I’m done.  I done with all of this.  I want a divorce.” I said showing no emotion.
She gasped.  The blankets shuffled rapidly.
“What the hell do you mean?” she angrily asked.
“I said, I’m done.  I’ve had enough.  I need out of this marriage,” I said.
Questions followed.  Why?  How?  
Then the anger.  “I knew you’d do this.  I’m so angry at you.  Let’s just give up on marriage.  You’re hurting our children!  I should’ve left you long ago.  I’m not happy either.  You’re fucking selfish.”
Eventually, their came the inevitable bargaining and desperation.  “We need to go to counseling.”
But it was too late.   
I had really made the decision some 6 months ago, in a psychologist’s office.  I had been going to therapy for over a year.  I knew my life wasn’t going to get any better as a married man.  I needed to forge my own path.  I had never discovered who I was, only what I had to do in order to “be happy”.
Get married.  Have kids.  Get a good job that pays a lot.  Happiness will just come.  
Wrong.  
This is not correct.  
It took a decade for me to figure it out. 
So here I was, at the precipice of my own life, a life I had lived for everyone but myself. 
When you own misery in your marriage outweighs your fear of being alone (a fear that was completely unfounded, thanks red pill), you tend to take on a fight or flight mentality.  I flew.  
I had no idea what I was doing.  I hadn’t been single for a decade, and even then, I was a fresh faced beta male who was terrible with women.  And on top of all of this, I had two kids.  But I was determined to move forward.  Nothing could be worse than being unhappy in a loveless marriage.  
Dark times followed.  Divorce is not kind, especially to men.  It took a tremendous amount of money, time, and pain to take this path.  Being a single dad is horrible especially when everyone including the state is against you.  There are many laws that are completely unfair to divorced men, especially fathers who want to take care of their kids.  Deadbeat dads are a terrible problem, but when women have the overwhelming power of the state to debilitate a father on their word alone, men fear not only for their financial freedom, but the custody of their kids is at stake.
I was lucky.  I had an ex-wife who was willing to work with me as an adult.  It wasn’t easy, nor was it cheap.  Houses to fix up and sell, trying not to disrupt the lives of my kids.  This particular path was difficult, but not as bad as others that have traveled.

In that time, the thing that kept me going was the fact that I could do this.  I had faith in myself.  I had never experienced such a feeling when I was plugged in.  The system was set up for me to be a beta.  I had never been concerned with my own happiness, but the happiness of others.  And this is a recipe for failure.

So what did I learn?  I realized what red pills already know.

You are what stands between the live that’s chosen for you versus the life you choose.  As a red pill male, you have tremendous power over your own life.  That is the key to it all.  When you choose yourself over everything else, the gravitational forces shift from going away from you to coming toward you.

The best advice I can give to men going through this process is that through it all, you must have faith in yourself.  This provides you with a suit of armor that protects you from a cruel, unforgiving process that is divorce.  Regardless of your situation, self-empowerment can only help you navigate the new world.  Not only will you be better off, your kids will have more respect for someone who has not only fought for them, but more respect for someone who has fought for himself.


Empowerment

Photo Credit:  Hulu – Masters of the Universe – Mattel

As I write this today, I think back to when I was a blue-pilled, weak willed beta.  It was a miserable time for me, but at that particular moment in my life, I had no clue I was miserable.

Being plugged in as I was, completely immersed in a world that I thought I had created, I had no idea what empowerment was.  My ex-wife had the power, as well as dominating female relatives who, through no fault of their own, propagated a fem-centric male role for me, where I drifted day to day in a role of what I was told I was supposed to be in.  As a blue pill beta, I was told this was the pinnacle of life for me (kids, wife, job, expensive house).  It was very depressing.

What’s important to remember here is I was responsible for my blue pill conditioning.  I was.  I allowed myself to be taken advantage of by willing participants, whether they were complicit or not, and refused to take responsibility for my own life.  This happens to many blue pill betas, they are ghosts in their own life, never making a decision to live for themselves, merely another gear in the machine. 

Through therapy and my own research, I decided to learn more about what it means to be a blue pill beta, still hooked in, and decided to do something about it.  What’s funny is that most betas will be exposed to Red Pill Theory and scoff at it, not take it seriously, and ignore it.  While providing the information is really all RPT gurus can do, it’s only when the beta decides to take the step to unplug that change can truly happen.  So, you have self-empowerment.

In the months following my divorce,  my blue pill conditioning seldom wavered.  I had not changed, and the women I dated simply saw an opportunity to grab up a brain dead beta who wasn’t empowering himself, but I was simply floating down waiting for someone to come in my life to make it better.

And this is one of the largest fallacies with blue pill conditioning:
 
It’s not the fault of everyone else, it’s yours.  You are responsible for your own life. 

When going through Red Pill Detox, most betas will blame their surroundings on their circumstances, and this is a natural reaction to being unplugged.  I experienced this, becoming MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) and shutting what I thought was external toxicity in the form of over-bearing siblings, parents, ex-partners, friends, and co-workers.  I had one last blue pill hurrah with a feminist and was dumped because I was too beta.  A feminist dumping me because I was too beta?  Good God, I was a mess.

I went ghost (which I do recommend at some point in your life for self-reflection – another post :)) and moved on with my life.  After two months of intense study of literature and self-reflection, I realized it wasn’t my environment or the folks around me, it was me…period.

My life is what I make it.  If I choose to live under the thumb of the Feminine Imperative as a cuck beta, regardless of how twisted and unfair the environment where I’m raised is, it’s on me.  Now, the information needs to be more readily available for blue pills to educate themselves, but it’s not like the FI has a monopoly on information.  Great RP authors, speakers, educators, and theorists exist and are at your disposal.  The last step you have to take, as will everything else you will encounter in your life, is yours.

So after my MGTOW phase (and that’s all it ever should be, a phase), I continued to study and learn more about my ongoing unplugging.  Little did I know, I was empowering myself.  Slowly and steadily, I was taking back control of my life.  The first step was setting boundaries.  I had lines I would not allow anyone to cross, and when they did, it was only a short time until they were out of my life, or had very little influence in it.

The second step was enforcing those boundaries, all while creating new ones.  As each new border was created, new people would enter my life, while ones who didn’t like this new me left.  A paradigm shift was occurring, and as in The Matrix, I could finally see it.  I could finally see the whole playing field, the stands, the sky, the other players, all of it.

Clarity in one’s life comes at a price, and that price is comfort.  

It was not a comfortable time.  Friends and family were questioning me, making my unplugging more and more uncomfortable.  Unplugging is tough, because not only do you know the truth, you live it.   You see people for who they really are, who they really support, and who was rooting for you versus who wanted what you could provide as a blue pill.

I continue to this day to continue empowering myself.  I make no excuses for who I am, what I represent, and what I believe.  This is true empowerment.  But it’s my life and it’s on my terms, and what could be more empowering that having control of your own destiny?

Becoming the Red Pill Dad

During my divorce, my life spun out of control.  As always with divorce, there are severe financial ramifications, as well as pressure to move forward and get life as quickly back to normal as possible.

There are kids involved, so I took the path that I knew would be best for me.  My ex and I avoided the courts, opting for mediation instead of dueling lawyers.  Through great financial strain, I managed to counter every thrust my ex through at me, and we decided amicably to finalize monetary settlements.  I arranged to pay everything for my kids, providing all finances for them, while leaving my ex-wife with a very small sum for official child support.

I wanted to make sure that this divorce was on my terms, and it was.

So after a rough patch, I decided to do Spartan races.  While all of this was going on, my divorce was being finalized, I decided to get into shape.  I went to the gym a ton to reduce stress, and signed up for Spartan.  I had never done OCR (Obstacle Course Races) before, and with everything going on in
my life, it was a chance to prove to myself I could do it, as well as meet fit chicks I could ask out.

As I did each race, I struggled with finding out what my life was all about, who I was.  I still didn’t know.  But during one race in southwest Ohio, I lost track of my team.  I was alone, in the middle of a muddy mess, with 10 more miles to go and daylight fading quickly.  I found out a lot about myself in that race.  I found out what I was made of.  I didn’t quit (even though I wanted to).  I fought until the end, and found my team waiting for me.  I had done it.  I didn’t think I was capable, but my confidence skyrocketed.  

But the Beta still lurked….

After my divorce, dating became the same as before I started, however, this time, I managed to meet more girls and have more sex.  Of the 10 plus girls I dated in this phase, I slept with 5 of them, 2 were one night stands.  Most of these were single moms whom I had nothing in common with, but we both filled a need.  It wasn’t very fulfilling. 

I was still in the Beta mindset, as I figured I needed to jump right back into the LTR (long term relationship) phase.  I was stupid.  I was still naive.  Enter a woman named Tiffany….

I met Tiffany through OLD (online dating).  She was about 5 years younger than me, had never been married, was a professional, and seemed to be everything I was looking for.  I was the consummate Beta throughout our 3 month relationship.  Frame was abandoned almost immediately, as I was pushing for another relationship.  I liked this girl.  I had oneitis.  I abandoned everything about me to make it about her.  I was pathetic.

All was going well, then one night late last July, she called me to dump me.  I didn’t know why.  Why did she dump me?  I wasn’t as hurt as I was confused.  After about a month of questioning myself, I decided (with help from my psychologist) to follow a path of self discovery.  It was time to learn who I was, become a better version of myself, and unleash that person on the world.

I read.  A lot.  I studied.  I discovered Rollo Tomassi and the Rational Male.  I read Robert Greene.  I read Alan Roger Currie.  I read The Game by Neil Strauss.  I watched Youtube, I subscribed to blogs.  It was time to become the real me.

I soon became Red Pill aware.  I was finally becoming informed as to why I had failed all those years with women.  All of the sudden, it became clear to me that my success hinged on me.  My attitude.  My work.  My point of view.

While studying, I spent the winter and early spring at the gym.  Improving myself.  All the while, I would try the techniques suggested in the books.  I was getting dates.  I continued to study.  The game had not become about scoring with girls (although that was going to be a great perk), but about becoming a new man.  Becoming the best version of myself.  I was winning in my life for the first time ever.

I was scorned by close friends and family members.  I had changed.  This wasn’t the man they knew.  That’s how I knew it was working.  They had steered me for all of my life, but now I was in charge of me.  They had no say.  I was the master of my own destiny.  And that was the greatest power I could ask for. 

A little over a year after unplugging, I have seen a tremendous improvement in my life.  I recently met a beautiful girl whom I would have never been able to go up to and ask out.  But because I was a quality man, she came up to me.  She saw my confidence.  And throughout this process, I have maintained frame.  I am still on a journey of self discovery.  But meeting this girl has taught me to be the best version of me I can be, and she really likes me for it.  I’m not pretending anymore, I am genuine.  And women notice.

As I type this, I look back at all the times I pined for girlfriend, I complained I didn’t have anyone, I put myself down because I couldn’t attract hot women.  But, even though it took years to overcome, I now see this side of the Red Pill.  I now see that self improvement is the bedrock of confidence in oneself, and I can’t thank those enough whom I read to become Red Pill aware.

So, I have decided to try to help those who were like me, especially those with kids, to become Red Pill aware.  I want to reach out and help those guys who struggle daily with themselves.  I want to be a beacon in the darkness that is the Feminine Imperative.  You’re not alone, guys.  Let me shine a light into your world.

I am the Red Pill Dad.